God-Given Passions

outta here.

2010-06-25T20:33:00.001-07:00

I have messed with this blog over and over and it still just feels so cluttered! So, I've moved. New, exciting stuff going on and I wanted a clean, simple blog to match my new clean & simple life. HA! Ok, you caught me, my life is neither but my new blog is! Go check it out. Have an exciting announcement there, too!

I won't be posting here anymore - so I hope you'll follow me over!

http://godgivenpassions.wordpress.com/

Faith Fridays. Reece's Rainbow.

2010-06-18T15:15:00.002-07:00

In just four years, over 275 children have found their forever families through Reece's Rainbow. We are so thankful to RR for helping us bring our little guy home!!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Waiting Children with Down Syndrome

Waiting Children with other special needs

Waiting Children with HIV

a love song.

2010-06-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

This song started out with I love you Mommy and morphed into I have so many toys in my bedroom. I'm really not sure what to think about that.

meet Olivia.

2010-06-01T09:00:00.001-07:00

Olivia is new blogger with a passion for adoption. She's HIV+, too.

Oh, and one more thing - she's eight years old!!

Check it out!

http://heroesinspiringvision.blogspot.com/

so many unknowns.

2010-05-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

May 18, 2009 - our submission day. Finally, after months and months of gathering paperwork and digging up funds, our dossier had arrived in Ukraine and was due to be submitted to the powers that be for approval to adopt our boy. Finally.

My journal entry from that morning was full of hope and anticipation. Filled with awe and wonder at all that God had done in our lives to bring us to this day. Father, You are everything. I am overwhelmed and grateful that You have chosen us for this great adventure.

We had been told not to expect to hear anything that day but of course I kept my phone on me at all times. Late in the afternoon, it rang. Our case worker. Oh my gosh - my heart was pounding with excitement.

Not good news. Well, great news, actually. He's not HIV+. What?? How could this be? My mind was whirling. But, the bad news - because he was healthy, we would not be able to submit until November or even December. Most of our dossier would have to be redone. Rather than looking forward to traveling in June or July, we were now most likely going to have to wait until the spring.

I just couldn't believe it, and I was really mad about having to wait longer to go get him. Mad. I tried to praise God for healing our son but it was hollow and insincere. I wanted to embrace the news but I couldn't.

What has happened to my trust in You???

I was a mess. A crumpled on the floor mess. It was pathetic. I imagine that some of you can relate. :) Adoption is such a rollercoaster; you are at the mercy of so many outside forces all the time. It is so easy to lose perspective. It is so easy to lose faith.

From the depths of despair on May 18th to the high of May 20th! Our new submission date would be in June - not November! Remember that scene from the movie Parenthood where Steve Martin feels like he's riding a coaster? Yeah.

So many unknowns. How do you prepare? I honestly didn't know what this child would be like. I worried about how sick he would be when we brought him home. I wondered if he would be potty-trained. Would he dress himself? Feed himself? The questions seem so ridiculous now but I honestly did not know ANYTHING. And the one thing that I thought I did know wasn't true.

But, of course, it was true. Jacob was HIV+. And potty-trained LOL. I actually took Pull-Ups with us to Ukraine. Seems hilarious to me now. Not only was he potty-trained but he could use a squatty potty like a pro!

I marvel at all of this today. God's faithfulness. What an incredible journey. This time last year I was a complete train wreck. Fearful. Uncertain. Holding on to what little faith I had left with all my might. Holding on to my sweet husband, who must have been at least as scared as I was, for dear life.

We've been home eight months. Jacob's HIV is undetectable. He has gained three pounds – finally! – and grown about three inches taller. He is healthy and happy and oh so smart.

Today, he helped me clean the garage. We played a mean game of Tri-Ominos. We played hair salon and he blow-dried and straightened my hair. [I'll be redoing that after he goes to bed!] At lunch he decided that he doesn't want to eat bread anymore. He will only eat lunchmeat if it is heated. At dinner, he wondered why I didn't serve him any bread.

Love this kid.

love love love.

2010-05-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

Some pics from yesterday. Wonderful Mother's Day!! Missing Casey cause she had to work but she and Kristi are on their way here right now to take me out for my birthday lunch! Day three of the three day Mother's Day-Birthday weekend extravaganza LOL How blessed am I??

thank you B&D.

2010-05-06T10:00:00.001-07:00

I would like to take a moment and thank the manufacturer of this product:

Years ago, in a fit of homecaring zeal, I purchased this product. It was thrown to the back of a cupboard at the old house and resurfaced when we moved. Jacob found it and the sheer joy on his face made me want to cry. And put him to work, of course.

Jacob LOVES this. I wish that you could hear him singing his crazy made-up songs at the TOP of his lungs while scrubbing the shower within an inch of its life. He seriously begs me to use this scrubber and he won't stop until the battery runs dead. He scrubs the back porch when I run out of stuff for him to clean inside!

We don't do allowance around here but Jacob can earn money for doing extra chores. Most jobs earn a quarter and he earns three or four dollars a week! He's such a great helper and he's learning about saving and tithing, too!

discipline.

2010-05-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

The number one thing that I have learned about disciplining my kids after 26 years of parenting is self-control. Not theirs, mine.

It has taken forever for me to learn this. Forever. Learning to control my own frustration has been so difficult but it makes all the difference in how I parent. I don’t spank or smack and I try really hard not to yell or raise my voice. When I do yell, it really gets everyone’s attention!

I wrote this in my journal just last week:
Grrrr. One of those days. I am doing a good job so far of maintaining my calm, in-control-at-all-times demeanor. Yea for me. I just hope that it doesn’t cause me to have a stroke. Grrrr.

HaHa! I can laugh about it now but I was really frustrated when I wrote that and trying to give myself some encouragement.

Here’s the payoff, though. I don’t take Jacob’s negative choices personally. I don’t look at them as my failure but rather as opportunities to teach this little sponge how things work in a real family. Jacob’s decisions are his. His consequences are his to bear. I work very hard to not discipline through guilt or martyrdom or anger. Been there, done that. It doesn’t work and only breeds resentment and lack of respect.

Although they are becoming much fewer and farther between, we still have control issues. It’s as if Jacob is constantly looking for areas where he can be in charge around here. Sometimes it just wears me down and that’s what I was writing about last week.

Breakfast had become our latest battleground. I had gotten into the habit of giving Jacob two or three choices of what to eat for breakfast. I don’t know why I was doing this; I don’t offer choices for lunch or dinner because I plan those out ahead of time. He’s always made a choice and been happy with it – until about two weeks ago. Suddenly, he was refusing to eat the food that he had chosen himself. It took me a few days to fully realize what was going on. He had found a way to put me on the defensive.

Once I figured it out – game on. I plan breakfast now with all the other meals. No fight. No argument. What if he won’t eat? I set the kitchen timer for 15 minutes and if he doesn’t eat he will lose his radio for the day. Works every time – he loves that radio. I checked out a cookbook for kids at the library this week and I am going to let him sit down with me and give some input when I plan the meals for next week.

When Jacob first came home we had lots and lots of battles. He would be so compliant about some things, like bath and bed time, yet throw a huge fit if I told him it was time to go play outside. Weird stuff would set him off. If we ever told him ‘no’ for any reason he would become completely belligerent. It was as if Jacob just went away and some primal creature would take over. There was nothing to do in those moments but just hold on to him for dear life. Yes, he thrashed, kicked and scratched and tried to get away. But he had to be held until he stopped. We learned that if we set the timer [we set it for seven minutes as if for a time-out] he would stop when the timer beeped. Then the fit was over as if it had never happened. We began to call these ‘baby time-outs’ because the behavior was very much like that of an out-of-control toddler.

As time went on, we developed more communication with Jacob. When he would go into ‘fit mode’ I would get down to his level and give him a choice between a big-boy time-out or a baby time-out. In the beginning, he could not rescue himself from these fits so they always ended up with us on the floor in a baby time-out. Over time though, Jacob began to want to choose a big-boy time-out. That would mean standing in the corner or against a wall, facing outward with mom or dad standing close by. He wanted so much to be successful at those but he just never was. He would stand there for a few seconds then defiantly step away from the wall and cross his arms and give us that face. We call it ‘mad eyes’. DEFIANT. We would offer one chance to complete the big-boy time-out. He never caved. Not once. One of us would lead him to the big chair or the floor for a baby time-out. Always when I had to hold him like that I would pray over him and tell him that I was his forever Mommy and I would never leave him. I promised him that he would always be my big boy and we would be a family forever.

We haven’t had a baby time-out in a long time. Just last week, Jacob successfully completed a big-boy time-out for the first time! Wahoo!

Truth is, there are very few behaviors that are time-out worthy, in my opinion. Defiance and disrespect are the biggies for me. Those are the two things that will get this momma in your face every single time. I will ask for a do-over first thing. If I get a quick apology and no ‘mad-eyes’, then all is forgiven and we go on. If not, then we start with choices. Choose wisely or get a consequence. I don’t vary the consequences too much – like to keep it simple. Jacob hates to lose his radio or his already very-limited TV time. I try to keep time-outs for only big stuff. Hitting gets you a time-out, period.

Most days, Jacob’s defiance seems like normal testing. I try to confront it with humor and that works a lot of the time. I am learning to discern when we are dealing with a deeper issue and I do take those very seriously. The bottom line is consistency. Every single time that he says or does something that is disrespectful to me, I call him on it. I really do mean every time. I don’t let an eye roll or muttered comment go by without a response. That doesn’t mean that Jacob gets into big trouble every time; more often than not I’ll just gently ask him to repeat that demand in a nice way or show me loving eyes, etc. He often corrects himself now with just a look from me.

Just this morning, he was bossing me around like a tyrant. I gently asked him who is in charge here. He said ‘you’ and immediately self-corrected. So good!

He’s come so far and I am so proud of him. I love this kid so much! We spend nearly every waking hour together and I love his company. He is a joy to teach and hang out with. We’ve been home almost eight months now and I really do feel as though we have turned another major corner in our attachment. He is a sweet, confident kid who gives and accepts affection with ease. He not only feels like he’s a part of the family but he is ready to add on. He has been bugging the jeans off of me to go back to Ukraine and get him a little brother or two. Hmmm. I wonder what would happen to my calm, in-control-at-all-times demeanor then???

Faith Fridays. Prayer.

2010-04-30T08:22:00.002-07:00

Prayer is a tricky one. I hesitantly pray for God to help me improve my prayer life. I wince a little; it's on par with praying for patience. I know that God will not just give me patience; He will give me opportunities to be patient. I will not suddenly become a devout pray-er. God will give me reasons to pray.

In answer to my prayers for more time with Him, God has been so faithful. This week has been amazing. Literally overflowing with opportunities to pray.

At daybreak, LORD, You hear my voice; at daybreak I plead my case to You and watch expectantly. Psalms 5:3

If you have not been following this family, I urge you to go read about them. Little Chrissie is in the fight of her life and her parents have handled this crisis with such grace and faith. Praying for this family over the past two weeks has been a huge blessing to us. As Jacob was walking by the computer a few days ago, he saw me looking at pictures that Chrissie’s mommy had posted on her blog. He wanted to know who this little girl was and why she was in the hospital with all those machines hooked up to her. I told him the truth. He said that he wanted to pray for her, so we did.

I hate to admit it, but every time that I had prayed for Chrissie, I had prayed for her healing – but I had also prayed for God’s comfort on the family if He chose to take her home. Praying both sides of the issue, if you will. Why do I do that?

If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it. John 14:14

God is sovereign. God is in control. God loves Chrissie more than anyone in this world ever could. He will restore her little body, if not on earth, then in Heaven. Why not pray for her complete healing? That’s what Jacob did.

With the unbridled faith of a child, Jacob prayed for her COMPLETE HEALING. Healing of her heart. Healing of her foot – her mom had posted a picture of her little foot which had been swelling. Jacob prayed for this child with such love and emotion and FAITH. I was humbled to tears.

My prayers for Chrissie changed. My prayers for everything changed.

Whatever you ask in My name, I will do it so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. John 14:13

Lukewarm prayer. Jacob showed me in an instant that I had lost my fire. I wasn’t praying with passion for her complete healing. I wasn’t praying with passion about anything. Why, in so many of my prayers am I afraid to take a stand? Why am I afraid to ask my Father for the really good gifts?

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! Matthew 7:11

I remember when Austin was in the hospital. I was praying like crazy then – not for comfort if God chose to take him but for HEALING. I was not going to settle for anything less and I let God know it in no uncertain terms. Many others were praying for Austin during that time. To be honest, if I had known that anyone was praying for my comfort if he wasn’t healed, I think I would have been offended.

So, I pray for forgiveness from Chrissie’s mommy and daddy. I do care deeply and I am praying for her COMPLETE HEALING! I pray for fire and conviction in all my prayers. I pray for that deep heart knowledge that God wants to give good gifts to those who call on Him.

So, thanks to Chrissie, I’ve been having some heart surgery of my own. Go ahead, Father, cut it out. All that doubt and fear and darkness that is not of You. Prune away – I can’t wait to see what fruit will come!

“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vineyard keeper. Every branch in me that does not produce fruit He removes, and He prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit. John 15: 1-2

random. and I do mean random.

2010-04-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

our adoption story. and hers.

2010-04-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

We brought our little boys home at about the same time last year. They were about the same age. I can't imagine life without my son; she could no longer live with hers.

I will not condemn this mother because she could not raise this child. Putting him on a plane back to Russia - alone - was selfish and evil and I hope that she is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

What I find most disturbing about this case, is that there are so many resources available to adoptive parents. They had a visit from a social worker in January – but reported no problems. Yet the letter they sent with the boy stated “This child is mentally unstable. He is violent and has severe psychopathic issues". The grandmother has since elaborated that they experienced “incidents of hitting, kicking and spitting, along with threats”.

I have thought hard about how to write this post. I am writing it because the JCICS has asked for adoptive parents to write about their adoption experiences in a show of solidarity and support of Russian adoptions.

I suppose that there will be lots of glowing posts written today about how perfect and wonderful adoption is. I could write a post like that.

Maybe there will be some venomous posts virtually stoning this mother.

I want to write a TRUTHFUL post about OUR adoption. It’s wonderful and amazing and a blessing beyond my wildest imagination. It has also been difficult and challenging and full of twists and turns. So, here goes.

Those words – hitting, kicking and spitting, along with threats – have haunted me since I first read them. This is a seven year old child. A child raised in an environment completely void of normal. Other than the spitting, we have experienced all of these things, along with some vicious scratching and screaming that I feared would bring the police to my door. Yes, that’s right. Our precious, bright, wonderful Jacob has exhibited these behaviors REPEATEDLY since we came home in September. I fully expected him to and I was PREPARED for it.

I want to address the issue of threats. I share the following not to shame or embarrass my son but to help other parents better understand orphanage behaviors. LaRue and I had gone out to dinner one night in February, five months after coming home with Jacob. Our daughter Casey, who has a terrific relationship with Jacob, was babysitting. Everything went fine until it was time to put Jacob to bed. He was not having that at all and things escalated to him screaming and going into full on fit mode. Casey called us and we quickly came home and got him calmed and into bed. As we sat with Casey and helped her to understand what had happened and that it wasn’t her fault, there was a rustle in the hallway. I went to check it out and there was a paper lying on the carpet. Jacob had drawn a picture of Casey on a spit, roasting over a roaring fire. Obviously, he was mad at her and had been plotting his revenge. Was this a threat? Perhaps. I think it probably goes without saying that we dealt with it quickly and with authority and nothing like this has happened since.

With every incidence of screaming, scratching, kicking, throwing things – any behavior that is not acceptable in our house – we have dealt with it right away with appropriate discipline and consequences. EVERY TIME. Let me make it very clear that we do not spank. I have never been a believer in spanking and I have not and will not spank Jacob, ever. Many times I have had to walk away, count, pray – whatever it took to ensure that I was 100% under control before I corrected negative behavior. But we do correct – every single time.

Our diligence has paid off beautifully. We have been home for seven months and I have a wonderful son who is extremely well behaved. The negative behaviors have all but disappeared. Jacob has started to recognize when he is beginning to lose control and with a word or two from me, he is learning to self-correct. Just one month ago, that was not the case.

Orphanages are no place for children. The dynamic is completely counter to how the 'real world' operates. LaRue and I both commented that the oldest boys at Jacob's orphanage had a 'pack mentality'. A look in their eyes that was almost animal. Sickening and frightening. Orphanages teach children how to survive in an environment of deprivation and violence. Our children learned to scream, hit, kick, scratch and threaten to SURVIVE. They do not deal well with being denied something that they want or perceive that they need. They require constant and consistent redirection to learn how to cope in their new environments. It is crucial that they learn to submit to loving authority and obey. Teaching these lessons is time-consuming and overwhelming at first. But it is fundamental to healthy attachment.
If I could have talked with this other mom, I would have told her to GET HELP. There are so many resources; it is a shame that it came to this. Other moms would have offered respite care to allow her a few days to regroup. There are terrific counselors experienced in international adoption who could have helped. Tons of books, websites, blogs, Yahoo forums exist. Help is out there. Even if she just could not parent this child, there are families here in the US that would have adopted him. Disruptions do happen and children can thrive when placed in a new family. What a shame that this mother’s terrible choice has now put hundreds of children at risk of not being welcomed into loving PREPARED families.

Prepared. Is it possible to be totally prepared? Of course not. Knowing where to go if I needed help was the best preparation I could have done, though.

Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY!!! This is MY SON. Mine. As if he had been mine from birth. Did that happen overnight? No, it did not. Did I ever consider giving up? Never. Not once.

Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY!!! In a heartbeat.

OK, that kind of wore me out. Here's something light and fun from our shy little boy. :)

beef hearts? really?????

2010-04-14T08:00:00.001-07:00

mechanically separated chicken, beef hearts
pork, water, beef, modified food starch, salt...

oh my. and yuck. a food revolution indeed.

If you haven't been watching the Jamie Oliver show - Food Revolution - you should be. I thought that I was doing pretty well providing healthy meals and snacks for my family. Think again. The above ingredients were listed on the store brand salami that I purchased and fed to my kids. Ick. Never again.

I decided to roam the pantry and see what else we were eating. Shocking.

I am amazed at how many ingredients are listed on some things. Pop Tarts - over 35 ingredients? Why is that?

OK, I know, you probably don't let your kids eat Pop Tarts anyway. We, however, are under doctor's orders to add calories however we can. I am not typically a DingDong serving Mama but Jacob's nutritionist said to do whatever it takes - in the short run - to help him gain some weight.

Bologna. Jacob loves bologna. I don't even want to think about it.

And while we are on the subject, what about liquid creamer? What is that stuff?? Aren't those the same ingredients used to make plastic food containers? OK, maybe I exaggerate but only a little.

So, we are trying to give up liquid creamer. Not that easy, I'm afraid. We got hooked on it years ago at my grandparents' house. I think that we equated liquid creamer with high living LOL Aside from it not having one single ingredient that I can pronounce, it's expensive!

Why does that flavor only come from Coffeemate? Is one of those mystery ingredients a narcotic that makes you become addicted to it? Ack!!

I found an organic soy creamer at Trader Joe's that I actually do like. It's not terribly expensive and has fewer calories than Coffeemate. I recognize most of the ingredients. LaRue is trying out half and half. Surprisingly, it has about the same amount of calories as the liquid creamer. Unfortunately, he is using about four times as much to get his coffee creamy enough. Back to the drawing board for him. Maybe I can get him to go back to powdered creamer. What's in that stuff??

This is a process. A long process apparently.

I'm done for now. I'll keep you posted.

snow day.

2010-04-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

After a year of record snow, we finally made it up to Flagstaff before it was all gone. Jacob was so excited!

Notice that Spencer is wearing shorts! Jacob is fully prepared, though!

Jacob and Cora in the backyard, Tyler is out there in shorts!

Still plenty of snow to make snowballs to throw at the cousins!

Little beauty Cora.

Jacob loves hanging out with the big boys.

Tyler, Jacob, Spencer and Claire. Once again, I did not get a single picture of Bailey. That kid is elusive...

Whit and Tyler, big smiles!

Thanks for a great day, cousins!!

a fun day at the botanical garden.

2010-04-11T17:27:00.000-07:00

Faith Fridays. a reprieve?

2010-04-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

God’s will. Want to be in it. Almost never sure what it is. Always grateful for a tiny glimpse.

When we began this adoption process, I was working 35 hours a week at our church. I loved my job and I was getting ready to move into another job at the church that I knew I would love even more. As we progressed with the adoption, however, I began to have doubts about working full time. I was reading so much material about attachment and bonding and an uneasy feeling began to creep into my heart. LaRue and I began to talk about the reality of my schedule and how it would affect our whole family. We decided that I could not work full-time and I had to turn down the new position. A couple of months after making that decision, our church had to do some layoffs. The position that I had chosen to stay in was eliminated.

The fear and doubt flooded in. What does this mean?? Am I to stay home full time? Find another job? We were still months away from traveling to get Jacob – what was I to do with this time at home?

One thing we knew for certain – we had to sell the house. LaRue began to get the place ready to go on the market. I wasn’t happy about it at all. I felt incredibly guilty – like I wasn’t contributing to the family anymore. I had always worked and I went through a real identity crisis during those first months at home.

Of course, God had it all in His hands. He knew where I needed to be when Jacob came home and He spent those months working on my heart to bring me there.

We put our house on the market in July of last year. We knew that it would have to be a short-sale. After years of having perfect credit, it was a hard pill to swallow. It was the only way that I would be able to stay home full-time with Jacob. We knew that this was the right decision for our family.

In the past seven months we have had two contracted buyers. Both have walked away from the sale just prior to opening escrow. It has been a crazy rollercoaster. LaRue and I are closer than ever. We cry together; we pray together. Together we have vowed to weather whatever God allows – together. It’s been an awesome time for our marriage.

Resigned to foreclosure, we moved out of the house. God brought us to a great rental. I’ll tell that story another time. We have been so blessed by this house and our new landlords.

Last week, we got a new contract on the house. It is the eleventh hour; many things will have to line up perfectly in order for this sale to go through. Yesterday, we received word that the buyers had opened escrow. Paperwork is being pushed through at record speed. We have hope that this will actually happen.

Conversations. Next steps. We are beginning to look to the future again.

A reprieve? Perhaps. God’s plan. Certainly.

I have this stirring in my heart. I believe that we have seen a glimpse of our future. So many blessings. We know that we have been blessed for a purpose. It is never far from our hearts and minds.

We are SO ready to move into this next phase of our lives. SO READY!

WooHoo!!! Bring it on, God!

what happened to my eggs?

2010-04-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

Had a great Easter. We were all together - minus Kristi and Cody because she had to work. :( Fun Easter egg hunt, dinner and Sunday afternoon church. Super relaxing.

We don't make a big deal about Easter baskets or bunnies here. We did hide the eggs that Jacob colored. While Casey and Logan distracted him, LaRue and Austin hid the eggs in the yard. I casually went to the fridge and pulled out the empty egg carton. "OH NO! What happened to all the Easter eggs??"

Jacob came running and the look on his face was PRICELESS! "WHAT happened to my EGGS????"

"Better go look for them! Here, take this basket out back and see what you can find!"

He loved it. Said it was the best part of the day. He ran around and wanted me to take his picture after each find. Pure joy.

The paska was good. That actually turned out to be a good bread recipe - especially if you want to make eight loaves at a time. I may work with the ratios a bit and see how it goes. Or maybe not!

Paska. and eggs.

2010-04-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

Had a very fun morning decorating Easter eggs with the family.

The cousins, Sam and Charlie, with Jacob - very focused!

Charlie - so proud of his egg!

Casey and Cody very serious about which Transformer sticker to put on his egg. I know, Transformers for Easter? But, really, if you think about it...

Austin supervised for a bit-

then spent some time bugging his sister, Kristi :)

What is Paska, you ask? Apparently it is a very important component in the Ukrainian Easter celebration. I just found this out myself. It is a very tall bread. Jacob informed me that we had to have it for dinner on Sunday.

Here you have it - my first attempt at making Paska. Actually, Casey did most of the work. I think that it turned out pretty well. We will have to see how it tastes - I'm pretty sure that it weighs several pounds and it looks nothing like this:

However humble it may be, it was made with lots of love. Our eggs don't look anything like these either, in case you were wondering.

Happy Easter [or Habby Eastra, as Jacob says]!!!

we have ourselves a reader!

2010-03-29T15:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I told Jacob that I thought he was ready to read a whole book on his own. He was not so sure but I was able to convice hiim to give it a try. He sat down with "Go Dogs Go" and read the entire thing to himself! He was pretty proud and so was I!

communication breakdown.

2010-03-26T13:34:00.000-07:00

Jacob told me the other day that he was sad. He is not very forthcoming about his emotions so I had to really drag it out of him. Once he finally admitted feeling sad, I pushed a little harder to find out why.

I'm sad about your other kids.

What other kids, Jacob?

Your OTHER kids! You had a lot of kids!

I have four kids, do you think that's a lot? I have Kristi, Casey, Austin and Jacob. Four kids is perfect for our family. Don't you think?

NO Mom! The OTHER kids - the ones you gave away!

WHAT????

Just when you think that things are going along just fine...WHACK...

After much digging and running around the same bush about forty times we finally got to the bottom of this communication disaster.

For Christmas, my dad had taken about 100 old reels of home movies to the DVD transfer place. He had them put onto disks as a Christmas present for me and my brothers. I helped him out a bit by reviewing the disks before the company burned the final copies. I watched them on my computer and Jacob sat with me while I watched. I thought that I had clearly explained that these kids were my brothers and me when we were little. Apparently not.

Jacob had somehow concluded that these kids - lots of kids because the movies included birthdays with cousins and friends, too - had all been mine at one time and that I had given all but three of them away!

It breaks my heart to realize that for the past four months, Jacob has been living with us and thinking that we were the kind of people that give kids away. Lots and lots of kids. How does that sit in a child's brain?

I talked and talked with him about how families work. How I lived with my parents until I was old enough to be on my own. How I got married and had kids and a house of my own. I pointed out how Kristi and Casey have their own homes but they are still my kids. I told him that someday when he was grown up, he could get a house and a wife, too. I finally felt confident that he understood and he even seemed a little embarrassed at the confusion.

Later, when we were driving in the car, Jacob wanted to go over the details of this growing up thing again.

OK, Mom. So when I get big like Austin, I'm going to get a good wife and go live at her house.

Well, sure son, it could work that way. It would probably be better though if, when you get big like Austin, you got a good job and then a house and THEN you get a good wife. What do you think?

Oh yeah, that's a really great idea! I'm gonna do that.

And it occurred to me. Yes, my sweet son. You can do that. You will grow up and have a house and a wife and kids of your own. How amazing is that? Thank you, Jesus!!

enough already.

2010-03-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

Retreating. Honestly, I think that it's one of my most disturbing character flaws. When the going gets tough, I shut down. From everything. And almost everyone. I want to cocoon with my hubby and kids and pretend that the world doesn't exist.

The challenges of my own life kind of overtake me and I close my eyes, and my heart, to what is going on beyond my own front door. I function - homeschool, cooking, cleaning - it all goes on as usual. But inside, I know that I'm closed. I struggle to pray. I don't read blogs or post Facebook updates. I avoid the news. I just don't want to know. Not right now.

Then, when the self-pity thing has kind of run it's course, I go to God. I ask Him to hold me close and bring me back. I force myself to do the things that I know will get me back on track.

Yesterday, I had that conversation. I restarted a bible study that I had set aside months ago. I read your blogs. And I cried my eyes out for hours.

I needed some perspective. and boy, did I get it.

While I've been having my self-indulgent timeout, families are traveling to get their kids from Ukraine. More families have committed to bring home kids. A new baby girl has come home from Ethiopia! Two more precious Ethiopians have joined the Twietmeyer family!! One of you, very dear to my heart, has had her world rocked by a life-altering shock.

A house. I have been retreating because of a house. I am mad and frustrated with myself.

Our second buyer fell through so it is very likely that our home will be sold in a foreclosure auction in a couple of weeks. Ok, so there it is. Big deal. LaRue found us a beautiful house to rent and I can honestly say that I love it. We moved in two weeks ago so it's a big mess and there are still boxes everywhere. I really love it.

I am the most blessed person I know. Why can't I act like it?? I have an amazing husband and four wonderful kids that I love so much and I know they love me too. I have great friends that love me even when I am acting like a spoiled child. I am a beloved child of God and I will spend eternity in His presense.

Enough already. I want to get back to work - Kingdom work. I want to feel that passion and excitement that I was feeling this time last year, when we were waiting to submit our dossier to Ukraine. What's next? I have no idea. But I am ready. Bring it.

Disneyland!

2010-02-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a very generous gift from Uncle Jeff and Aunt Pat, we were able to spend last weekend in California visiting Disneyland and Universal Studios. Jacob had so much fun.

We didn't tell him beforehand what we were going to do. Learned my lesson about that sort of thing at Christmastime. I told him the day before we left that we were going to visit Uncle Jeff for a few days. He flopped around on the floor like a fish in uncontrollable excitement!

We had expected him to have some understanding about Disney - he really didn't. We were walking into the park and he saw Goofy - I think that's when he began to think that something really fun was going to happen! We went straight to the Indiana Jones ride; we wanted to see how he would do on the rollercoasters. He completely loved it! No fear at all - he was laughing the whole time. We got off the ride and he said "Let's go more fun!!!" And off we went. He had never seen anything like this but he was all in from the get go. All day and he never ran out of energy - this kid just keeps surprising us!

I have more pics on my facebook page from our trip - we went to Universal Studios, too. It was a great weekend and we all had so much fun!!

five month update.

2010-02-03T12:06:00.001-07:00

Obviously, blogging has not been one of my priorities lately. I have so much rattling around in my head but for some reason it just doesn't want to come out yet. One of these days those thoughts will form but in the meantime I'll try to give a bit of an update.

We have been home for nearly five months now. I am truly amazed at Jacob's adjustment to our family. He fits in so well - I know that it sounds strange but it really is like he was always meant to be our son. He's just one of the kids now. We are so blessed.

Home schooling is going very well. It was a bit rough in the beginning. I've had to make some adjustments here and there but we have settled into a schedule that works and he's learning quickly. This week he has started to read on his own - much faster than I had expected for a child that knew no English at all just five months ago.

The behavior issues that we were dealing with have all but subsided. Now that we have more language, we are able to talk with Jacob about his shutdowns. It's been revealing.  Anyone who thinks that it's perfectly fine for kids to be raised in an orphanage should just think again. It is not. We are very thankful that Jacob only lived at the older kids orphanage for one year - but he saw and experienced a lot.  Somehow, he seems very worldly for a seven year old.

I can't believe how little we think about Jacob's HIV status. He takes his pills twice a day and we visit the doctors about once a month. The doctor visits should become even less frequent over the next few months since the meds are working so well and with few side effects.  Jacob has been remarkably healthy and it is really no big deal at all. Really.

We are preparing to move within the next month or so.  We have a buyer for the house and if everything goes according to plan [I know, haha] we will be able to avoid foreclosure. Yea for that! It's been almost one year since I was laid off - we're ready to move on to the next phase of our lives. Very ready!

Life is good and we are very much aware of all the blessings that we have. Thankful and blessed. :)

Faith Fridays. a lesson on salvation from Jacob.

2010-01-15T08:00:00.004-07:00

I know that it's difficult to understand a lot of what he says. But I think that you can get the gist of it.

Over here is bad - you need to turn, say sorry to Jesus. Don't cross that line again. Go UP with Jesus.

I think that it really is that simple. From the heart of a seven year old. By the way, I didn't teach him this. One day during our home school time, he jumped down from the table and launched into this detailed story about satana and Jesus. He was so excited to tell me about the trouble and bad life with satana and the good life with light that was with Jesus. It was like he wanted so desperately to make sure that I got it. I asked him where he learned this and he said that some people came to his orphanage with a bible and taught the kids about Jesus. He said that he asked Jesus to live in his heart that day.

He also told me that he knew that his first parents had died. And that God told him that he was going to get new parents. I had prayed for this little boy for almost a year, asking God to keep him safe and to somehow, supernaturally give him the understanding that we were coming to get him. Praise God for answered prayer.

Praise God for those few who are willing to go to the ends of the earth to tell others about the hope of Jesus. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Praise God for choosing us to parent this incredible child. Once again, I stand amazed.

Jacob's first hike.

2010-01-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

Very sorry to you in the rest of the country but the weather here in AZ has been spectacular. We took Jacob and Casey on a little hike last weekend. I wasn't sure how Jacob would do - he tends to get worn out pretty quickly. He was a trouper and he loved it!

welcome back!

2010-01-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Oh beautiful schedule, how I have missed you. Welcome back!!

I do love the holidays - this year more than ever. I do love having my wonderful hubby home for special vacation days. I do. But I'm a girl that needs a schedule. For some reason schedule and hubby cannot coexist in the same household. Am I alone here??

So, here we are, 8:30am - quiet time, check. showered and dressed, check. breakfast fed and medicine taken, check. email, check.

Today we'll have school, clean house, go to the library, make yogurt, see the doctor [Jacob's mysterious Thanksgiving day rash reappeared last night!], cook a turkey dinner and do some filing and packing.

Ahhh, normal busy schedule - I do love you!!

looking forward by looking back.

2010-01-02T17:17:00.001-07:00

Loved the holidays this year. Loved them. My first year at home - it was awesome. I have always worked at jobs that didn't allow me to take time off during the holidays. Especially the past two years when I was working at the church, Christmas was so difficult. I despise the idea of 'getting through' the season but I found that was my sad attitude about it. In reading my journal from last year, I was whining big time. I was sick, we had 30 services in 8 days on two campuses to 'get through'. My family did Christmas Eve without me and I resented it. Funny thing about it though, I loved that job. Except for Christmas week, apparently.

This year I did those things that I'd always dreamed of. We baked - a lot. I spent tons of time with the kids. We watched holiday movies and had a wonderful Christmas Eve all together. It was such a blessing! The really great part is that we finally put this Advent Conspiracy thing into action. I believe that we spent about 20% of what we normally would. The best part? No one missed the stuff that we didn't buy this year. All the kids commented that it was a great Christmas. Maybe it really is true that spending time together is more important than getting stuff. Imagine that! Of course, saving money means more to give, too. Which is the point really.

Spend less. Give more. It's not just for Christmastime either!!

This time last year we were so consumed with completing our dossier. I prayed endlessly for God to keep our little boy safe and healthy. God was so faithful in all of that useless worry.

One year ago today, I wrote in my journal about my growing uneasiness about working full-time after Jacob came home. It had been our plan that I would take a couple of weeks off then put him into the elementary school which is next door to our church. I was about to get a position that I had coveted for two years. I prayed for a solution. God made it crystal clear that I could not take that position. I turned it down and planned to keep working part-time. Until I was laid off, that is. LOL God had a different plan. I have to admit, I love His plan!!!

We have started to pack. We'll be moving in about a month. The sale of our house has gone through - good news. We have a plan to be debt-free within a few years. It is going to require a lot of sacrifice and living even more simply than we already do. We are determined though. And united. I know that many couples fight - even break up - over money issues. I am so incredibly grateful that God has given me this amazing man for a life partner. LaRue and I have grown so much closer through this time and we feel very optimistic about the future.

I look back at the past year and I praise God for the many miracles that we were privileged to take part in. I am filled with wondrous anticipation at what the coming year will bring.

Happy New Year!

the family pic.

2009-12-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

We finally got our whole gang together for a picture. Not in time to send Christmas cards, of course! Maybe I'll send a Happy New Year's card...

Kristi made this beautiful birthday cake for Jesus. Didn't she do a great job?!

Hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas!

Merry Christmas!!

2009-12-24T10:26:00.001-07:00

Wishing a very Merry Christmas from our family to yours!!!

you know it's almost Christmas when...

2009-12-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

...the guys are crafting. LOL

It seems that Jacob has finally given up on having real snow for Christmas. He is furiously creating paper snowflakes to cover the windows. I found these two working away this morning. All these little bits of white paper all over the floor do resemble snow, I must say :)

the artist.

2009-12-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

Turns out that my little guy loves art and music so we incorporate that into our schooling every day. Well, truth be told, we'd be doing it whether he likes it or not so I'm very glad that he does!!

We had a lesson on Jackson Pollock a couple of days ago then Jacob and I mixed up some paint and he went to work. He was so into it! Once I got him going, I went inside to clean the kitchen. He stayed outside working on this for nearly an hour. At one point, he ran into the house to put on his swimming suit - I think it was about 65 degrees out. I guess that his clothing was restricting his creativity. LOL

Have I mentioned recently how much I LOVE this little man??

ouch.

2009-11-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

my heart hurts.

39 kids. with HIV. waiting in Eastern Europe for someone to find them and give them a future. Maybe someone reading this post will feel led to love one of them. Or maybe to donate a few dollars so that someone else could give them a family.

Currently, these kids have ZERO dollars in their sponsorship funds.

They are beautiful, every one. But don't take my word for it - go see for yourself.

http://www.reecesrainbow.org/hivee1.html

a great day.

2009-11-28T15:48:00.001-07:00

We had a great Thanksgiving at my parents house. Lots of kids, lots of food, an all ages game of soccer. Too fun!! and so much to be thankful for!!!!!

Faith Fridays. the house.

2009-11-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

***deep breath***

This is a difficult post to write. I have decided to live my life in Christ out loud and on the internet - to His Glory - and so I try hard to be transparent in ALL of my life. Now it's time to write about the house.

Eleven years ago, God blessed us with a beautiful home. We had begun to feel crowded in our old house and wanted more room to spread out. The payments were all that we could handle but we took the leap and moved in. Over the years, LaRue had remodeled almost all of it and molded it to perfectly suit our family.

Over the years, as we pursued the 'American Dream' of acquiring more and more stuff, we also acquired more and more debt. The great deal that we had originally gotten on our home soon was overshadowed by a huge second mortgage. We took great vacations, drove great cars and wanted for nothing during those years. Somehow, we always were able to make those payments - even on the credit cards that every bank and store were so anxious to give.

At no point did we feel like what we were doing was wrong. Sure, we knew that it would be cool to not have all of those payments each month but EVERYONE we knew was in exactly the same boat that we were. We felt NORMAL.

Then, as we began to grow closer to God, we realized that NORMAL was WRONG. Suddenly, we saw our lifestyle and our debt as sin. We vowed to change but we knew that it would be a long and difficult road. It seemed impossible.

It was in the midst of this change in our hearts that God called us to adopt Jacob. None of it made sense. Adoption is so expensive. We had no savings and no idea how we would come up with the money but we knew without a doubt that we needed to say yes to God and figure it out. It was by the grace of God that we were able to bring Jacob home as quickly as we did.

My little human mind cannot comprehend what has happened to us in the last year. We committed to Jacob in November of last year. In March, I was laid off from my job. Our plans to become debt-free had taken an enormous double punch to the gut. We knew immediately that the house was going to have to go.

We have been trying for months to sell our home. We tried to refinance. We began to communicate with our banks in April, letting them know that we were trying to honor our debts. Asking for any help they could give us. No response at all. None.

We had to make a choice. Should I go find full-time employment and put Jacob into school? We know that is not best for Jacob. He needs to be homeschooled for now. It is so important that I am home with him - LaRue and I both feel so strongly about this.

The choices that we are making are counter-cultural, to say the least. By all worldly standards, we are failing life with a capital F. I know that most people won't understand why we are choosing to lose so much. Why did we bring another child into our home??

This house is temporary. In 100 years, it will probably be gone. Our adoption of Jacob will have eternal consequences. Ripple effects that we cannot even imagine will be felt for generations. What will he become? What will his children's children do for the Kingdom?

Losing this house hurts, I would be lying if I said it doesn't. This experience is painful and humiliating. Incredibly humbling. Our future is uncertain in a lot of ways. But one thing I know for sure - God is in control. His perfect plan is unfolding before us, even though we can't see it. Following God has included a lot of blind curves for us. Time and time again, we've rounded a scary corner to be hit full on with the amazing Power and Grace of our God.

Once again, we are being tested in our faith. What a blessing! We have no idea what this will look like a year from now, but looking back over the past 12 months, I can see God's hand so clearly. I know without a doubt that I will be saying the very same thing 12 months from now. I will be praising God for His many, many blessings!!

a new way to give.

2009-11-22T16:05:00.001-07:00

about the meds.

2009-11-20T12:58:00.004-07:00

Courtney had asked a great question about the meds so I thought that I'd go ahead and answer it with a post.

How do they decide when a child needs to go on meds? If their counts are low enough, do the doctors just wait to give meds or do they start them to help keep the counts low?

Please, in case you need reminding, I am a total rookie at all of this stuff. Everything I have learned has been by 'crash course' and I learn more every day. So, with that disclaimer, I am happy to share what I am learning along the way.

There are two numbers that we use to assess the health of Jacob's immune system. The first is the CD4 count which measures how well the body is able to combat infection. The second is the viral load, which measures how much of the virus is in the blood. Ideally, we want the first number to be high and the second to be low.

I've mentioned before that Jacob's numbers were good, meaning that his CD4 count is that of a child without HIV and his viral load is pretty low. It would be possible for us to delay putting Jacob on medication based on these numbers alone. This is where the decision becomes an individual one based on a person's overall health.

Our doctors feel that it is right to put Jacob on medication at this time. There are a number of reasons for this. First, he has swollen lymph nodes throughout his body. This is not unhealthy in and of itself but it is symptomatic of the HIV. Also, because Jacob is so tiny and not growing, we feel that the medication may help him to reach his full height and weight potential. He is currently in the 10th percentile for height and weight and we are trying our best to help his body up that chart as far as possible before he hits puberty in a few years. Also, our team of doctors takes the approach that bringing the virus to undetectable is the best plan of action and will allow Jacob to grow up as healthy as possible.

Jacob is taking three different medications. He takes five pills in the morning and five at night - 12 hours apart. This combination of drugs greatly reduces the chances of the virus mutating and becoming resistant. If his body tolerates them well, he could stay on this particular combination for many years, thus reducing the need for him to adjust to new drugs.

We do trust our team of doctors at the children's hospital. This was not really a difficult decision for us to make. Although I typically do not choose medication for my kids, in this case I feel it is best for J. Thankfully, he is tolerating it well and the side effects are minimal and fading already.

A friend recommended the book 100 Questions & Answers About HIV and AIDS by Joel Gallant, MD. I highly recommend it, too.

no going back.

2009-11-19T08:00:00.001-07:00

We started Jacob on medication this week. I will admit, the first morning I had some real doubts and I was second-guessing our decision. I was worried about side effects - would the benefits outweigh the negatives?? Once we start, there is no turning back. Unless they find a cure someday, he will likely be taking medication for the rest of his life. Were we making the right decision?

One huge blessing is that Jacob can swallow any pill we give him. The first day we started he just looked at that cup full of pills [5 pills plus his multivitamin] and took them one at a time with no complaints at all. I was so proud of him. He hasn't given me a minute of trouble about taking all those pills - 6 pills in the morning and 5 at night.

He has had a little bit of tummy trouble and his appetite is definitely down but otherwise he is tolerating the meds well.

I hope that his appetite picks up so that we don't lose more ground with his weight gain. The nutritionist has challenged me to add 300 calories to his daily intake. Jacob loves cheesecake so she suggested giving him a piece at night before bed. Not something that I would ordinarily advocate but we were willing to try since he's actually lost weight since we've been home. As it turns out, one slice of New York style cheesecake has 580 calories. Yes, you read that right. I will never be able to look at cheesecake the same way again. Yikes. It works out well for us though - Jacob has 1/2 a slice each night before bed and that just about takes care of our additional 300 calorie goal. Needless to say, I am not joining him in this nightly treat!!

mad skilz.

2009-11-18T08:00:00.001-07:00

Thank you Brad for all of the skateboard lessons! Jacob is quite proud of the new skills he's learning.

I love his self-talk: OK, try again. one second, try again. We did a study on perseverance - I think he's got it!

miss.

2009-11-17T08:00:00.001-07:00

It's been pretty hit and miss with Jacob and food. Of course, potatoes in almost any form go over well. He also loves meat and eggs. He's good about trying new things even if he thinks that he won't like it.

He asked me to make him some chicken for lunch - he meant turkey that we'd had the night before. While it was warming in the microwave, I gave him one of the pork potstickers that I had just made for Austin. He didn't love it.

I love how he keeps taking bites even though we have clearly established that he doesn't like it. I love his tweaky hair too.

if this is a honeymoon phase...

2009-11-16T12:04:00.006-07:00

...I'll take it. We went a whole TWO WEEKS without any meltdowns. I think that is quite an achievement!! So, we did have a pretty dramatic one yesterday and ended up missing church. That bummed me out pretty good but overall I am thrilled with our progress so far. Jacob is picking up so much English; I love the mix of Ukrainian and English that he is using to communicate with these days. I'm not too quick to correct him on the words he's choosing to use. I know that his Ukrainian is fading fast and even his sweet accent will be just a memory soon. For now I'm just enjoying the cuteness.

He is a dream. If I could special order five more just like him I would do it in a heartbeat. We've been home just over two months now!

Some random snippets from the past month:

Building a spaceship with big brother Austin for our unit study about the moon. Jacob has been really reluctant to play by himself and this spaceship proved to be a great toy to encourage him to play! Going to the moon by yourself can be so much fun!

We took Jacob into big church with us for the first few weeks. He did really well and sat quietly during the messages. After three weeks of that, we decided to try out Sunday School and see how he did. He was pretty excited for the first day of Sunday School after we had talked about it all week. Sunday morning at 6:45 he flung open our bedroom door - he was fully dressed and ready to go!

Jacob loves to clean. He would clean all day long if I let him. He does a good job, too.

A rare quiet moment of crafting with Cody. I love those! They are wearing jackets because it sprinkled for 30 seconds that morning and they wanted to be ready to run outside if it started up again!

Turtle! I don't know who took this but it's a great photo.

Getting ready to go on a bike ride with Dad. I think it was about 70 degrees outside. The little Ukrainian does not like to be cold.

I found him in his room like this one morning. He's in the middle of a very animated story about what he's going to do when the snow finally comes. He keeps looking out the window and hoping for snow. Poor baby.

Working with math rods. Jacob is loving first grade. He still needs to reinforce some of the kindergarten skills so I'm working those into our day but first grade is just so much more exciting!

I'd like to thank Toy Story for putting this great idea into his head. Yes, he had successfully made fire by the time I found him doing this and yes, I have hidden the magnifying glass.

Chillin' in front of a movie with popcorn. We like to call this quiet time. Mom loves quiet time.

We went to the zoo for the first time this weekend. Jacob loved everything. He has the cutest way of saying it: Oh, I love it dis elephant. Oh, I love it dis monkey. So adorable. They were painting faces at the zoo but charging $7! What?! Not a chance that I would give in to that so Casey very sweetly painted Jacob a dinosaur face when we got home!

Uncle Jeff came for a short visit. Apparently, Uncle Jeff has a very cool phone...Jacob couldn't take his hands off of it!

My favorite face ever.

Want to change the world?

2009-11-13T08:00:00.001-07:00

It's gonna cost you. 10 bucks. You in??

First Gift.

Every day, 4500 mothers bury their children due to contaminated water. They are forced to sustain their families with a diabolical liquid that contains both life and death. This lack of clean water is the leading cause of death in underdeveloped nations. And it just doesn't have to be!

So as we gear up to scurry through department stores and browse endless catalogs in search of new jeans, Tonka Trucks, gadgets and dolls....we are pausing. We are pausing. And today, November 13th, we are buying water. Clean, life-saving water.

$10 will provide one person in Africa clean water for 10 years. It will literally change and possibly save someone's life. A mother. A child. A brother. A grandfather.

We are rallying together for a cause. Clean water. One day. $10. Asking everyone to let this be their first gift. Let water, let life be their first gift of the season.

Click here to be directed to the secure donation site of the highly recognized, non-profit, charity: water. Just click the yellow button to make a donation. All donations are tax deductible, and 100% of your donation will go to clean water solutions in West Africa.

Thomas.

2009-11-09T11:00:00.002-07:00

You may not know this, but November is National Adoption Month. Nothing would make me happier than for this little sweetie to find his family this month.

Thomas has been listed on the Reece's Rainbow site for as long as I've been checking it, which is over a year. If you aren't familiar with Reece's Rainbow, they are a non-profit organization that helps to locate and advocate for special needs orphans all over the world. They are not an adoption agency but all involved work very hard to help these kids make it home to their forever families. It was through this organization that Jacob was located and we were able to find him and bring him home.

Why does a boy like Thomas stay on the site, waiting and waiting, while other kids get 'chosen'? I don't know. Maybe, like me, people don't know what a diagnosis of CP and an oval window (heart condition) means. Any of your readers that have experience with either of these conditions, feel free to leave comments to help educate me and others who might be interested.

Thomas has just turned five - a perfect age to adopt, in my humble opinion. If you have questions or comments about adding an 'older' child to your family, ask away. If you are considering adopting an HIV+ child and have questions - ask away. Feel free!! What better time than National Adoption Month to commit to one of these precious children??

Thomas

Boy, Born August 2, 2004

SIGNIFICANT RISK, PLEASE ADOPT ME SOON!!

Thomas is a sweet, happy little boy with amazing potential. He has brown hair and brown eyes. He was born with CP and an oval window (heart condition). Despite his challenges, his caregivers say he is a very smart boy, he is an orphanage favorite, and they really want him to have a family to call his own. Thomas is able to walk holding on to a rail, and with therapy, will improve remarkably.

Thomas is blessed to still be at the baby house, but he can not stay much longer. He needs a family right away. Please consider Thomas to be your new son!

Halloween.

2009-11-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

I tried so hard to get pictures of Jacob and Cody together. Jacob is such a total ham that it's hard to get a photo of him without some crazy pose. Cody, on the other hand, was apparently traumatized at birth by Mimi's camera and flat refuses to let me take his picture - ever. So, we got what we got. And a funny video, too.

Casey and Jacob carved great pumpkins:

Austin decided to take some creepy pictures.

Cody just being cute, as always:

ahhh. homeschool.

2009-11-03T08:27:00.003-07:00

My little boy is a creature who craves routine. I understand this because I am the same way. Life is so much simpler when I can follow my own rhythms, rather than trying to cram myself into someone else's schedule.

You would think that Jacob's need for routine would mean that he would thrive in traditional school. The problem is that he also struggles mightily with transitions, so the very thought of having to get him up and out the door each morning makes me shudder. Take this morning, for instance. Jacob had a bit of a hard time falling asleep last night - he was just being quiet and looking at books later than normal. Consequently, he woke up a little later and his 'morning routine' seems to be taking quite a while, too.

Every morning, he follows the same self-imposed schedule. He uses the restroom, makes his bed, picks up his room, gets fully dressed, fills the bathroom sink with water to wet his hair, fixes his hair, brushes his teeth. Only then will he come out for breakfast. Sometimes he washes his shoes in the sink, too, which takes a while. I let him go through this whole process everyday because it seems to give him the right start to his morning. Kind of like me getting my quiet time and shower in before the day begins. Some days it takes him an hour to get himself fully ready for the day. For this reason, we don't have an official start time for homeschool. Truthfully, 'school' lasts all day since Jacob is learning new things all the time!

We've learned the hard way to give Jacob time warnings for each new thing we will be doing. It doesn't seem to matter if we give him a five minute or two hour heads-up. As long as we let him know when change is about to occur, he's fine. I try not to hurry him but once we've set a time for a task to begin, we insist that he follow our direction.

It takes a lot of time to accomplish what we need to each day. I am so grateful that I am able to stay home with him. I have to laugh at myself that I thought I would just put him in school and continue to work full-time. I can't even imagine how stressful our lives would be! I know that lots of moms do exactly that and I have to say that they just amaze me. I would be drowning.

I am happy to report that the defiance issues are beginning to subside a bit. We did have a colossal fit after trick-or-treating the other night, but overall Jacob is growing more at ease with our authority as parents. I keep track of the big meltdowns on the calendar so that I can maintain my perspective when we're having a particularly bad day. If you don't count the two meltdowns we had on Halloween [which honestly are understandable!] we only had five for the whole month of October. I think that's pretty good for being home seven weeks!

So now, an hour after he woke up, Jacob is ready to come out for breakfast. Then we'll watch Curious George on PBS and start our school day. Jacob is flying through the Kindergarten curriculum that I purchased so we will be starting first grade later this week. I'll continue to add in the Kindergarten activities to reinforce the letter sounds and we won't officially start first grade math for a couple of months. I want Jacob to have a little more English before we get too far along with math.

Speaking of English, he is such a little sponge. He seems to understand everything that we say and he is using a pretty even mixture of English and Ukrainian to communicate with us. He likes to teach us Ukrainian words - he goes around the house and points to an object first saying the English word then the Ukrainian. I am amazed at how many English words he knows!

I'll try to upload some Halloween pics tomorrow. I have another new laptop since my last new one had to be returned. Hopefully this one is a keeper - all the setup takes me forever!!

it's no big deal.

2009-10-26T08:39:00.004-07:00

That's what all the moms said. I met several moms through blogging that had adopted HIV+ kids, and every one of them said the same thing to me - it's just no big deal.

Obviously we have decided to be open about Jacob's status. Disclosure is a hot topic in the HIV+ adoption world and each family has to decide what is best for themselves. For us, HIV/AIDS has been dinner conversation at our house for years. God brought this issue into our home via a Leadership Summit conference that I had attended years ago and it has been a part of our lives ever since.

I had the privilege of going to Ethiopia in the fall of 2007 and visiting with several people who were sick with AIDS. I was so thankful to be welcomed into their homes and to get to hear their stories and pray for them. Every mom that I talked with had one worry which surpassed all others - what would happen to their children when they died? Not only did this experience open my eyes to the magnitude of the AIDS crisis, it also gave me an incredible amount of compassion for these mothers and their beautiful, innocent children.

When we first committed to adopt Jacob, LaRue and I discussed how we would handle disclosing his HIV status. LaRue just basically made the decision that we would be totally open about it; we would not treat it like a big secret. In our eyes it is no different than if Jacob had some other chronic condition. Yes, there may be some people that will treat him differently but we plan to do all we can to educate as many people as possible within our sphere of influence. It is true that we made this decision for Jacob but as his parents we feel that its in his best interest and in the best interest of our family. As parents, we make these kinds of decisions for our children all the time.

After living with Jacob for almost two months, I do agree that HIV is just no big deal. We've had nosebleeds and skinned elbows - my mommy gene kicks in and we just take care of it. Honestly, I am much more concerned about other people making him sick. I find myself being extremely overprotective about him being around other kids, especially now with all of this flu hysteria going on. I have to get over that!

We haven't started Jacob on medication yet but we will in about three weeks. Even though his numbers are good, the doctors think that the virus is preventing him from gaining weight. I feed him all day long but he hasn't gained an ounce since we've been home. Other than that, he's a normal, active little boy. He's funny and smart and completely wonderful. Not that I'm biased or anything :)

I am a total amateur at all of this but I am learning and happy to share what I've learned so far. I'm happy to answer questions - just leave me a comment or send an email.

the HIV factor.

2009-10-24T21:37:00.004-07:00

Back in May when we were first supposed to submit our dossier I had posted this somewhat excited but cryptic non-explanation for the delay. I wasn't able to go into any details at the time. We were scheduled to submit on May 18th and I had, of course, spent the entire day checking my email and waiting for the phone to ring. When the call finally came late in the afternoon, I was completely floored by the news we received.

We were not submitted because our Jacob had [suppposedly] tested negative for HIV. This bumped him out of the special needs adoption line and we were told that we may not be able to submit until November! Honestly, I didn't know how to react. On the one hand, I was thrilled for Jacob that he was negative - on the other I was devastated that we would have such a huge delay in our process. BUT - there was a part of me that just didn't believe it. I was so completely certain that God had called us to adopt an HIV+ child - what could this mean? Had I misunderstood what I felt God was leading us to? Were we really supposed to be this child's parents?

It was devastating. I could not understand why I wasn't thrilled about this news. I felt so selfish because I just wanted him home with me. It took a lot of prayer and scripture reading to get my head on straight again.

LaRue and I were both so sceptical about the news. We got confirmation from our agency that Jacob had tested negative not once but twice. We could not imagine how a six-year-old could be misdiagnosed like this. Had he not been tested since birth? That seemed the only explanation.

Our facilitator in Ukraine was able to get us an earlier submission date and we did successfully submit in July - we were so thankful!!

We left for Ukraine only half believing that he was not HIV+. I took the waiver paperwork with me just in case, but I hadn't gotten any of the signatures that we needed from our doctor and the county health official. Our facilitator confirmed that Jacob was not HIV+. We were confused about God's plan but we decided to trust and keep moving forward.

At our SDA appointment, the official who showed us Jacob's photo asked if we were aware of his medical issues. We said yes, half-wondering if this was some kind of game. Medical problems, wink wink. Is this why we were able to get an earlier submission date? It was all so strange.

We traveled to the region and met with the orphanage director. She confirmed that Jacob was HIV+ and could not figure out why anyone thought differently. By this time, LaRue and I have decided that it doesn't matter. We just want to get him home as quickly as possible.

We went through our entire process in Ukraine not really knowing. At our embassy medical appointment we told the doctor that he was positive - we were convinced by then that he was and we wanted to move the waiver process along as quickly as possible. The doctor didn't believe us! She insisted on giving Jacob an HIV test. Gee whiz. So, after a couple of hours we got the confirmation that he was indeed positive. We still don't know why we were told that he was negative - apparently there was some mix-up with his medical info.

Sweet Casey had run around town at home getting all the necessary signatures for our waiver and FedEx'd them to another family that was traveling to Ukraine. We were able to complete our process without delay and bring Jacob home to our great team of doctors at the children's hospital. His doctors here are amazed at how healthy he is, considering that he never really received any treatment in Ukraine. His numbers are good and he is generally healthy but we will still be starting him on drug therapy next month. Despite eating non-stop he has not gained any weight since we've had him home. The specialist thinks that he may have a great growth spurt a couple of months after starting meds.

This post is getting pretty long but I will write a follow up post soon about how it's been so far living with HIV. We are far from experts but learning every day so hopefully our journey will inspire someone else to bring one of these extra-special kids home!!!

on defiance, language and love.

2009-10-10T07:59:00.000-07:00

I read quite a few books before we brought Jacob home. During this past year, I did try to absorb as much info as I could about possible behavioral issues that we could face. One of the recurring themes in most of what I've read says that you can't discipline your adopted kids the same way that you would your bio kids. At first I think that I took this to mean no discipline at all. One book even says that kids won't want to bond with a 'mean mom'.

Kids need boundaries and limits. and consistency. Things that I admit freely I was not good at with my older kids. So, I am parenting much differently this time around.

The primary behavioral issue that we have seen with Jacob is defiance. He is a very independent little guy - which we expected. We are stepping in and doing things for him as it seems appropriate. We don't want to take away all of his independence but he does need to learn to be 'taken care of' by his parents. It's a delicate dance.

The orphanage director told us that Jacob does not like to be told no. We laughed at that statement at the time - what kid likes to be told no?? It became apparent very quickly that the caregivers didn't tell him no very often. Jacob responds very poorly to not getting his way. We had a decision to make - and we chose to be tough on this one. Unfortunately, Jacob spent quite a bit of time in his 'think it over chair' during his first month with us.

When told no, his first response has been to roll his eyes and click his tongue at us in disgust. Then he'll cross his arms over his chest and go into full on defiance mode. I know that he is being sassy with me but I don't know what he's saying. We are working on the eye rolling and responding with 'yes, Mom' or 'OK, Mom' instead of no. No seems to just pop out of his mouth before he's had a chance to think about what he's saying. Sometimes he'll respond no even as he's moving to do the thing that he was asked to do.

At his doctor appointment this week, an intern came in and talked with Jacob for about an hour. He had served a mission in Russia so he and Jacob were able to speak Russian with each other. At one point, another doctor was asking Jacob [in English]if he had any pain in his tummy. He shook his head no but the intern translated just in case. Apparently Jacob replied in Russian with 'no, what's it to ya?'.

Sass.

We asked the intern to find out why Jacob won't sleep in his own room. He's been sleeping in a little bed in our room since we got home. He did sleep in his room for one night but cried the second night that we tried to put him to bed in there. He had us convinced that he was afraid of being alone. When the intern asked if he was afraid of his room or his bed, or maybe of being alone, Jacob laughed and said no. He told the intern that he just likes to sleep in our room. Hmmmm. He is sleeping in his own bed now and doing just fine - little stinker. I convinced him that the bed in our room was usually used by babies and suddenly his 'big boy bed' looked a lot more appealing.

I wanted to address the issue of 'falling in love'. Over the past year, there were lots of times that I felt like I wasn't feeling enough love for Jacob. It was very easy for me to get caught up in the tasks that needed to be accomplished in order to bring him home. I read other blogs of women who were working toward bringing a child home and some of them seemed to already LOVE the child. Some wrote about having dreams about their child or crying because they couldn't hold them or kiss them.

I have gone through this whole process knowing that love is a verb. Love is doing. Love the feeling is a very fickle emotion. Love the verb sticks it out - no matter what. I know without a doubt that I am a better parent to Jacob because of my three older kids. I had to learn a long time ago to get over myself. I have had my feelings hurt and my love rejected and I know that I can do love without expecting to receive love in return.

Jacob is beginning to really love me. I know it. He has been willing to kiss and hug me all along but in the beginning he was very aggressive and controlling with his affection. Now he is sweet and his kisses are a genuine show of love. He says 'I love you' at appropriate times and with eye contact. It is so wonderful. When I hug him now his little body is not rigid and alert but soft and trusting.

I love him with all my heart. Love the verb - yes. And also love the emotion. He really feels like my child now. I'll admit, for a while, it did feel like I was babysitting, especially when we were in Ukraine. It doesn't feel weird anymore. Yes, we have some mad faces and sass once in a while but we're learning how to string together several days of good behavior. Not too bad for being home less than a month.

We are so thankful for this child. We marvel at God's grace and provision. I don't deserve this awesome life. Thank you, Jesus, that I don't have to deserve it - I just get to accept it. Awesome.

happy boy.

2009-10-08T08:00:00.002-07:00

mom, we have to tell you something.

2009-10-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

I am not a fan of those words. Almost without fail, they are followed by some statement that either costs me a lot of money or causes me a lot of work. This time it ended up causing LaRue a lot of work.

It seems that Wiley the snake lived up to his name and slithered into the sink during a photo shoot. INTO the sink. You know that overflow part with the two little holes at the front of the sink? Yeah, that. He was IN the sink.

I called LaRue to tell him that the snake was in the sink, Austin had to go to work and Jacob and I were going to Hobby Lobby until this whole thing got resolved.

Of course, LaRue saved the day. An hour of coaxing [and finally resorting to using the hair dryer] and the snake was rescued.

Never a dull moment around here. NEVER.

back in the saddle again...

2009-10-06T16:11:00.005-07:00

Ahhhh. For the past two days I have felt mostly in control of my environment. WooHoo!

I knew that bringing a small child into the house would be an adjustment - but wow.

Jacob is amazing - I cannot believe how blessed we are to have him. It is the most surreal feeling in the world to look back on the past year and all of the moments that I dreamed of having him here. It is almost unbelievable - but here he is. I thank God every day for this miracle.

I remember the conversations that LaRue and I had out in the gazebo last fall - wondering if this was really God's plan for us and could we do it? Would we say yes??

I remember touching that one and only photo that we had every time that I walked by the refrigerator and saying out loud "we're coming, baby - as fast as we can". I prayed every day for God to give Jacob comfort and supernaturally let him know that he would have a family soon.

I remember agonizing over big financial decisions that had to be made to allow me to stay home with Jacob. I remember unexpected financial gifts from people who understood our hearts and wanted to help us.

I remember crying at the setbacks and roadblocks that came up. God was faithful every time and eventually I was able to see how His timing was, as always, perfect.

That moment, seeing Jacob for the first time and knowing that this really was him. He has a little freckle over his eye that I recognized right away. This was our boy.

He had just turned six when we committed to him. Turning six meant being transferred out of the baby house to the 'boarding school' which served as the orphanage for kids ages 6-16. I prayed that Jacob would be protected there. I prayed that his seventh birthday would be celebrated with us.

And it was.

We had a very low-key celebration. I cooked sausage and mashed potatoes and Mama made a chocolate cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" and the joy on Jacob's face made me cry.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy. You are all ours now and we could not be more grateful.

Two week update.

2009-09-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

We've been home for two weeks. WOW.

A lot has changed around here. Homeschool is in full swing. Some of the activities are a bit young for Jacob but we are going to stick with the Kindergarten curriculum because he needs to get the basics down. He has learned so many words and seems to comprehend most of what we say. We struggle some with abstract concepts but overall I am incredibly impressed with his adaptability and ability to learn.

I am not usually one for having artwork all over the fridge but, oh well. And yes, that is more artwork taped to the wall. Like I said, a lot has changed around here!

Aunt Rachel and Uncle Carl gave Jacob a Legos set for an early birthday present. He built this all by himself while I cooked dinner - I couldn't believe it. He sat for an hour putting this together. What a great present.

This was my best attempt at getting a picture of Cody and Jacob together. Better luck next time, I'd say.

Ready for Halloween! Only a month to go...

He likes to sleep like this - which could explain why he gets so sweaty.

My beautiful welcome home flowers from my Mommy. It's so good to be home!!

found on my camera.

2009-09-21T14:21:00.003-07:00

hmmm. Some of my other children have some 'splainin to do...

Yes, that is a real snake. Some of you may recall my reaction to our first snake. Apparently while I was in Ukraine, we acquired two more adorable snakes. Where does this madness end??

swimming.

2009-09-19T14:20:00.003-07:00

Or, shall I say, attempting to swim. I had such high hopes that Jacob knew how to swim. He absolutely loves taking a bath and when we asked him about swimming he made very convincing swimming motions with his arms and legs.

So, with great excitement, he stepped into the pool for the first time.

He marched down the steps like it was no big deal at all.

He stepped of the last step...and sank like a rock. Casey was still changing into her suit so I had to jump in fully clothed and save him. Just threw down the camera and kicked off my shoes and jumped in. Camera survived, thank goodness.

I grabbed a pair of Cody's floaties and put them on Jacob, assuring him that these would hold him up so he could swim. I forgot to take into account that he weighs 40 pounds. So, poor little guy trusted Mommy and stepped in again. And sank like a rock. This time Casey was there to save him.

They decided to put him on the raft and avoid any more trauma for this go around.

Today we went out and bought a better floatation device. He wasn't sure at first if it would work but it did hold him up. He couldn't seem to get out of this position, though:

Being the smart little guy that he is, he has come up with the perfect way to cruise the pool:

Oh well. I guess we'll be taking swim lessons next summer...

home.

2009-09-18T05:43:00.003-07:00

Ahhhh. home.

We had a pretty eventful trip home but I won't bore you with the details - the important thing is that we made it home safe and sound. Jacob is having a blast getting into everything and being showered with attention from his siblings. Mom is just happy to hug and kiss on her big kids and hubby.

Jacob and I are both working through the jet lag. I was up at 1am this morning and he slept in til 4 - thank goodness he naps 'cause he'll be needing one today!

I'm setting a goal to be on a schedule by Monday - wish me luck LOL

Welcome to America sweet Jacob. We're so happy to finally have you HOME.

Going Home!

2009-09-15T10:31:00.003-07:00

Our waiver came through this morning and we are flying out tomorrow. Thank you so much for all of the prayers and encouragement throughout this process.

It has been 37 days - I think that's right - and I am missing my hubby and our kids at home like crazy. I miss a lot of things to be honest, but this adventure has been wonderful and I am so amazed that I am a mom again. I'm not sure that it will totally sink in until we get home and start some kind of routine.

Jacob is excited to go to America. When I told him that the passport was ready he jumped up and down yelling 'go to America!!!' He cried when I put him down tonight. He is scared, it seems. No kidding. What an upheaval for him, this past month. I am missing silly things like my clothes dryer and the Food Network - things I will have again in a few hours. Jacob has lost everything that he's ever known, and he'll never get it back. Yes, we know that his life will be better with us. He really seems happy. But, what is 'America' to him?

America is where Daddy is. And Casey, Austin, Kristi and Cody. Mama and Papa. Lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. The dog and the turtle.

It will be so great to get home and start our new life together. Get him hooked on pancakes for breakfast instead of cheese. He's been asking me all day if this or that is available in America. Milk, water, sour cream. I had to break the news that I don't know if we have the cheese that he loves so much - I believe they call it cydok [he pronounces it see-dok]. I promised to try and find it and that seemed to make him happy. It is like a moist cheesecake - if anyone knows where I might find it in the US I'll be a hero. He eats it every morning for breakfast with a spoonful of sour cream. He'd eat it three meals a day, if I'd let him.

There is a lot to love about this country - it really is special and very different from anyplace else that I've been. I'll try to post more pics when I get home and settled. We will get settled, won't we? :)

Where to begin.

2009-09-11T09:24:00.005-07:00

My goodness. Where to begin.

First of all, I can't believe that it has already been 9 days since we left the orphanage. I'll try to recap:

We were picked up from our apartment on Sept. 2nd after settling up with the landlord. We thought that we were headed straight to pick up Jacob. Not so fast. LOL We had to take care of a few more things - hurry up and wait takes on a whole new meaning in Ukraine.

Finally, we did get to take our son. We made it to the bus stop with only a couple of minutes to spare - then headed straight to Odessa, where we had to apply for Jacob's new birth certificate and passport. Four hours on the bus, thirty minute taxi ride, out to dinner, grocery shopping...poor little guy. I can't even imagine what he must have been thinking.

He's been such a trooper. There have been several days that were just jam-packed and he's been great. I am certainly no expert, but he seems to be bonding very well to us. He is not at all shy or timid as they had told us initially. He's a ham.

Odessa is a beautiful city and we wished that we had gone there during the time we were stuck in Izmail and couldn't see Jacob because he was at camp. We did have a couple of days to sightsee while we waited for his passport. It was very nice to just be a family and enjoy each other.

We are in Kiev now. We were able to leave Odessa a day earlier than we expected. We did our medical and US Embassy paperwork all in one day, including the waiver. Now we are just waiting for the US to grant us permission to bring Jacob home. The US Embassy here has been wonderful - I am very impressed. They called this morning to tell me that we should have the waiver on Monday. I have booked tickets to return home on Tuesday - I sure hope that our waiver comes in time!! Prayer for that!

LaRue left for home this morning. He was able to stay with us for almost five weeks which was wonderful. I am so excited to get home and start living out our new normal.

A few pics from the last week:

Knowledge Day.

2009-09-01T04:12:00.003-07:00

The first day of school is a holiday called Knowledge Day. The kids all dress up in their nice fancy clothes and put on a program for the parents. All over town there were families out taking pictures and laying flowers on the monuments. It was such a festive day here! Lots of dressed up people out on the streets.

We went to the orphanage which is also a boarding school during the school year. There were only a few parents there - the atmosphere was more subdued - but the kids did a great job with their program. They did a couple of skits, sang a song and marched around with the Ukrainian flag.

We arrived just before the program started and the kids were already lined up with their classes. Jacob saw us come around the corner into the courtyard and we saw him look up at his teacher and point to us. She obviously gave him permission to come and greet us and he took off running towards us. I can't describe what a great feeling it was to have him run into my arms like that. He was so happy to see us there. It made me cry.

Jacob's class:

All lined up waiting for the program to start:

His teacher took this one. It was so sweet - I don't think she had ever used a digital camera - she did a good job!

Sitting in class, waiting to start school:

Teacher is ready to start - time for us to leave :(

I couldn't stop the tears from coming as we walked out. I can't really put into words what I was feeling. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed that tomorrow is the day that we finally get to take him out of there for good. My heart was just hurting for the beautiful children that live there all the time. I am so brokenhearted for the teenaged girls. They are just beautiful. What will happen to them when they have to leave here in a couple of years? What kind of life will they have? I wish that we could take more than one child out of here tomorrow. I have just grown to love so many of them. It hurts.

Tomorrow will be a joyous day for our family. Finally, we will be united with this child that we have prayed for and longed for since last September. A full year waiting to bring him home to be our son.

Tomorrow will also be a very sad day for me. I am already dreading saying a final goodbye to these kids that I love but can't have. They deserve so much more than this.

August Birthdays!

2009-08-31T07:38:00.003-07:00

August is birthday month in our family - we have a standing rule that no one can marry anyone with an August birthday or have a baby during that month!

We had a little party the day before we left to celebrate four of the August birthdays: LaRue, Casey, Kristi and Papa.

Kristi made this beautiful cake:

I love this picture. It so perfectly showcases the distinct personalities of my two girls. They blew the candles out together but Casey is giving Kristi the mad face - apparently Kristi blew out more than her fair share! I love these girls so much!!!

We missed all of their birthdays this year - we'll have to make it up to everyone next year!! Love you all so much and Happy Birthdays!!

Thank you Amy.

2009-08-30T22:20:00.001-07:00

Thank you Amy for putting into beautiful words exactly what we are feeling today:

The Cost

we are not awesome. definitely not.

2009-08-22T01:53:00.005-07:00

A little crazy and counter-cultural, maybe. Obedient, I hope so. Awesome - no. Not by a longshot.

God led us to a place where we had felt His nudge a few times - and been obedient. In a few small things, God asked us to be obedient and we were. After we had proved ourselves in a few of the small things, God presented us with a big thing. And we were resistant. Big time.

I have blogged before about the day that I first had my heart stirred for adoption. For weeks afterward, I had a daily battle within myself about this. Outwardly, I was investigating adoption - reading blogs and books, exploring agencies and looking at photolistings of waiting children. I would wake in the morning, look in the mirror and say 'ok, we can do this!' but by the time I put my head on the pillow at night I was so thoroughly convinced that there was no way I could do this. A million excuses. So many questions and fears. Every day I prayed and wrote in my journal; I begged God to take this desire for another child out of my heart if this was not His will for our family. The desire just got stronger.

Then one day, the photo of Zhenya showed up in my email inbox. I was getting emails of kids daily from all of the websites that I had signed up on. This child was different, though. This child stuck in my heart and mind and I couldn't shake him out.

LaRue had the same fears and doubts. He had to work through all of the practicalities of this move. The problem with adoption is that you can never package it up to be practical. It isn't. If we had waited until we could afford them, we probably never would have had biological children. So it is with adoption. There came a point that LaRue just knew that this was the right thing to do and that it was God's will. It would be a GIANT leap of faith.

For nearly 10 months, we had one single photo of Zhenya to hold on to and this brief despription:

Zhenya P

BOY, Born October 1, 2002

SIGNIFICANT RISK, PLEASE ADOPT ME SOON!!

Zhenya is truly an angel of a child. Look at the light in his beautiful brown eyes, and the glow of his smile. Zhenya has tested positive for HIV, but is healthy, active, intelligent, and living among the general population in the orphanage. He is still living at the baby house, but is facing imminent institutionalization if we can not find a family for him soon. He is an orphanage favorite. They love him so dearly, and desperately want a family for him.

Zhenya is likely on suppressant medication, we are waiting to confirm this. He does have some speech delays, but he can work on those here. PLEASE consider saving Zhenya from a life on the street, already infected with HIV.

LaRue has said many times througout this process that it is a win-win. Zhenya gets a real family and hope for the future - we get to add another precious child to our family and be faithful and obedient to God. Everybody wins. Hopefully God is glorified.

We are thankful beyond belief that God chose us for this child. We cannot believe that two flawed and imperfect people like us have been blessed so immeasurably by our loving and forgiving God.

God is Awesome. We are incredibly grateful.

it's official!

2009-08-21T08:32:00.004-07:00

We are officially the proud parents of Jacob Zhenya Baker! Court went fine - no objections.

Here we are right after - looking relieved, I would say.

Our first meeting. Zhenya was so shy and timid - he's completely over that now!

Just before we returned him to the orphanage yesterday. I wondered if he really understands what is happening to him.

Little did we know how much he would change overnight! Apparently it was haircutting day at the orphanage and this is the little boy that we picked up after court this morning:

The orphanage director let us take him out again today but said that the rest of our visits during the 10 day wait will need to be there at the orphanage. Our translator left this afternoon so the director isn't comfortable with us having Zhenya out on our own. I can understand her concerns; she is still responsible for him until the court gives us our paperwork on September 2nd. We were grateful for some time to be alone at the apartment this afternoon and just relax - Mom, Dad and Jacob Zhenya.

really good day.

2009-08-20T08:51:00.003-07:00

We were picked up this morning by Irina our translator and taken to the orphanage to visit with Zhenya again - finally!! To our surprise, they allowed us to take him out of the orphanage for the day! That was so great - we were really able to relax and get to know him. Our translator stayed with us all day which was helpful.

We are communicating. He does understand a lot and we use gestures and pointing to fill in the gaps. There are a lot of gaps but we'll get there.

We went to the store and bought him some shoes and a couple of outfits. He literally does not own a thing - when we are allowed to take him from the orphanage for good we need to bring an entire change of clothes with us for him to wear home.

We came back to the apartment and hung out for a while. It was great because he quickly became comfortable enough to start acting up. I think this is a good thing - it gave us a chance to start 'parenting' without the stress of knowing that people were watching over us. Irina was with us the whole time and she even got after him a little. He really is a little pistol - super smart and independent. We spent some time coloring and playing with some toys and books that we brought. He repeated lots of English words and we worked on letter sounds a little bit. He will pick it up fast.

He seemed to like riding around in the taxi and taking pictures. He figured out how to use my camera in about two minutes - including how to review photos. We took lots of pictures and I will post some after we have court tomorrow morning. We took some video, too.

We took him to a photo studio for his paperwork photos - we'll need those along the way as we complete the rest of the process: birth certificate, passport, waiver, etc.

He eats more than I expected, considering his size. We went to the Ukrainian deli and he ate a huge bowl of chicken noodle soup and a sausage. Very nice table manners, too!

Tomorrow morning at 9 we have court - if all goes well we will officially become a family. Yea!!!

Til tomorrow...

not tomorrow.

2009-08-18T06:04:00.003-07:00

I must have inadvertently prayed for patience at some point and God decided to answer my prayer with ADOPTION. :)

We were expecting to see Jacob [or Jay-Z as some of you have decided to call him - lol] tomorrow evening when the kids return from camp. Unfortunately, they won't be back until 8 or so and the director of the orphanage said that would be a bit too late to come. Bummer. We were not planning to stay long, only 10 or 15 minutes but still - now we wait another day. She did say that we could come anytime on Thursday though, so that was nice.

We visited the open air market today. We've been a couple of times but this time we really explored it. Very cool. They have everything - really. Car parts, fresh fish, produce, beauty supplies, clothing and shoes, bicycles, plumbing supplies, hardware, toys, cooking utensils, school supplies, puppies, live ducklings and chickens...you get the idea. We bought a backpack for J and some produce. Big fun.

Fresh fish, as in still moving!

Not a great pic of them but these bins are packed full of ducklings. They were squirting them with a water bottle - poor little things must have been so hot.

Rows and rows of produce - not a ton of variety but very fresh!

So, we will entertain ourselves for another day. Our translator will return on Thursday, too. Things will start picking up so we'll try to enjoy this last day of doing not much.

Court on Friday - please pray that it goes smoothly and NO objections are raised.

Thanks!!!!

holding pattern.

2009-08-16T01:37:00.005-07:00

Not a lot happening right now. Our translator left a couple of days ago and will return on the 20th to be with us at court on the 21st. We are settling into our apartment since we will likely be here until around Sept. 1st. We've been to the market to buy some household items that were missing - a stockpot, baking pan, extra towels - stuff like that. We cooked at home last night for the first time. I've always wanted a gas stove and now I have one:

We are figuring out how to shop for food. At the market yesterday, I picked up some tortellini and the very helpful frozen food guy came over and handed me a different package. He put his fingers pointing up on either side of his head like horns and pointed to the package I had chosen. Not sure which horned animal he was trying to tell me about -goat maybe? Do they eat goat here? Maybe it was beef - in which case I would have been very happy. Anyway, I graciously took the package he offered and we'll see if we can identify what it is. I'm all about the adventure and I will eat just about anything - especially if I don't know what it is!

Mayo and mustard:

Lots of food comes in this great pouch packaging. Like milk:

This apartment is quite a bit smaller than our first one in Kiev but it's half as much per night so we are happy about that.

The views aren't as spectacular either but this town is really pretty and it has a park that runs through the entire center of town - several blocks. It's a beautiful place to walk and see the people. This is the view from our bedroom window looking out at the park:

Statue of Lenin in front of the City Hall:

Z will be back from 'camp' on the 19th in the evening. We are going to try to see him for a few minutes that evening, if we can. After that, we should be able to spend time with him every day. They won't let us take him from the orphanage until we have passed our 10 day waiting period. That should be about Sept. 1st. If all goes according to plan, he will be fully ours at that time!

Prayer requests:

Please pray that we pass court and our 10 day wait. It is not a 'done deal'. There are some missing pieces from Z's early life that the judge will want an explanation for. We are relying on our facilitator and the orphanage director to fill in the gaps as well as they can but some things just are not available. The prosecutor can object to the adoption right up to the last day of the 10 day wait.

Pray for us to bridge the language barrier with Z as quickly as we can. Our translator told us not to try to speak Russian to him but to make him understand us using gestures and English words. Poor little guy - what a confusing mess this is for him.

We covet your prayers and we know that this is God's plan and He will see it through exactly as He has planned. We feel blessed and excited to be a part of it!

whirlwind.

2009-08-13T22:11:00.004-07:00

Planes, trains and automobiles. And subways and buses. :) I unintentionally keep using the word WHIRLWIND in my journal.

Our flights were fine - had an hour delay sitting on the runway leaving Chicago. We got to ride out a killer lightning storm - it was hailing and pouring rain. Not my favorite takeoff! I am seriously considering getting a non-stop or one stop on the way home though.

This is the view from the window of our first apartment:

And this was just cute:

perfectly coordinated:

Our appointment at the SDA went well - we got our referral and paperwork and were able to leave for Zhenya's region on the evening of the 11th. We took the night train [12 hours!] then caught a bus [four hours!] and reached the town where Zhenya's orphanage is at about 10am. We did some paperwork and got permission to visit him. His orphanage is on summer break from school and they were at 'camp' about two hours outside of town. We hopped in a taxi and made the trek out to visit with him at camp.

He is darling - very tiny. He was very shy at first but our translator asked him if he wanted to be adopted and he said enthusiastically 'yes!'. She asked if we looked acceptable to him :) and he indicated that we would do. We showed him pictures of his new brother and sisters, Cody, the house and pets. He was quite taken with turtle. We played Connect Four and tried to communicate. The translator asked him questions for us but we need to visit with him on our own so that we can start figuring out how to bridge the language gap.

He wrote his name for us in cursive [the translator, Irina, is also an English teacher and she told me to correct his handwriting because he uses cursive and printing together - I laughed and told her that LaRue and I both do the same thing and I don't know a single six year old that can write his full name in cursive!!]

We asked him if he would like to have an American name and he said yes. We all agreed on Jacob with Zhenya for his middle name. I wrote that out for him [printed!!] and I will not be surprised if he has mastered writing that by the time we see him next. He is smart and meticulous and quiet - I can't wait to start teaching him.

Because of the four hour round trip, it was decided that we will wait for him to return to town before we see him again. The kids will be back on the 19th so we have several days of down time here in town. We finished up the pre-court paperwork yesterday and our translator left - she will return on the 20th as we have court on the 21st. LaRue and I will attempt our first solo grocery shopping trip today!

Here are some views around Kiev:

I'll post some more pics on my FaceBook page.

More later! Thanks for the prayers!!!

what day is this???

2009-08-04T08:57:00.004-07:00

Ha! I need someone to follow me around and tell me! Things are topsy-turvy, in a good way!

We leave in...FIVE days! I don't want to say that I thought this day would never come. That's not exactly right. I trusted that God would complete this amazing thing that HE started. I will admit that I did have days where it seemed the odds were insurmountable. By ME. Not by God. He has showed up over and over throughout this process. I am left feeling so incredibly blessed to be a part of this.

Our appointment date is August 11th. That's the day that we will be officially referred our child. Ever since we found out that date, it has been bugging me that it seemed so familiar. I know - it comes around once every year. Haha. My mind just kept trying to figure out why it felt this way. August is our birthday month around here - eight family birthdays in one month! It's exhausting. LOL - but none on the 11th. Then, during my quiet time a couple of days ago, I realized what it was.

August 11, 2006. The day that I heard the Bono interview at Leadership Summit. The day that God broke my heart for AIDS and Africa, and set my feet on a path that has been nothing short of AMAZING.

It hasn't all gone the way that I thought it would. I was able to go to Ethiopia in August of 2007. It was such a life-changing experience to meet women who were sick with AIDS and didn't know what would happen to their children when they died. When I felt called to adopt, I just naturally assumed that it would be from Africa. No one is more shocked that I am that we are headed to Eastern Europe!

I was privileged to go to Nepal in the Spring of 2008 and again earlier this year. I had my first experience with visiting an orphanage in Nepal. For the first time, I began to understand what that life means to a child. I think that I had previously had some romantic idea about orphanage life - I am thankful that I have been able to see the reality.

I know that this trip will be very difficult in a lot of ways. We are incredibly excited about meeting our son. We also expect that our hearts will be broken for the kids that are left behind.

So - we are almost packed, the house is clean, meals are cooked and frozen for the kids. Leadership Summit 2009 is on Thursday and Friday this week - I'll be there! Oh, and Bill Hybels will be doing a follow-up interview with Bono to see how things have changed since 2006. Can't wait to hear that!

Giving it to God - all of it. Every day. So far, it's working out perfectly :)

Got our date!!!

2009-07-27T16:52:00.004-07:00

August 11th!!! Can you believe it? We will leave on the 9th - two weeks from yesterday. My head is spinning. In a good way. Zhenya - here we come!!

WOOHOO!!!!!!!

I am so thankful for all the prayers. I know that some of you have been praying us through this all along and some have chimed in recently. Thank you so much for helping us to realize this dream!!

weekend with Bailey. continued.

2009-07-26T14:28:00.003-07:00

I promised myself before we picked her up that I would take lots of pictures. I stink at 'capturing the moments' LOL

As we were headed out to take Bailey home, I grabbed my camera and snapped these:

We did have a lot of fun, though. Shopping, dinner at Organ Stop Pizza, movies, herping [looking for snakes and other creepy crawlies at night], crocheting, Mexican take-out. Bailey and I made some really fantastic Chicken Alfredo one night, too. Yumm-o.

Bailey is quite the accomplished pianist. She composes, also, and has even started recording some of her music! She is beginning to blossom with this God-given gift and I am so proud of her. Hopefully she'll remember us when she's world famous. I will try to share some of her music one of these days.

I love having the kids stay over for a few days. It is relaxing and we get to talk and get to know each other better. We have a BUNCH of nieces and nephews but most are still a bit too young for these longer visits. Their day will come though!! :)

weekend with Bailey!!

2009-07-26T13:26:00.001-07:00

Can't honestly remember the last time that I had one of these things but this commercial became the theme song for our visit with Bailey last weekend. Every single time that we flipped on the tv - this was on. It's that perfect mix of annoying and catchy.

Africa Quilt Raffle!!!!

2009-07-24T08:52:00.001-07:00

Visit Carolyn's blog to enter a raffle for this beautiful quilt and help Project HOPEFUL begin construction on their latest AMAZING project - Covenant Village/Almost Homes!!!

COVENANT VILLAGE/ALMOST HOMES
Legadadi, Ethiopia
A VISION to care of Orphans and widows/woman infected with HIV. Holistic care including; Specialized medical clinic, psychosocial care, education, spiritual needs and housing in a self-sustaining atmosphere. Focusing on the needs of the community, integrating the Covenant Village purpose into the community through sponsorships and relief efforts, with the first goal to maintain families and eliminate the need for woman to relinquish their children for reasons that can be alleviated.

ALMOST HOMES
• Family like settings (cottages) for 5-8 children consistently with 2 caregivers. Unlike typical orphanage setting, children will be raised in small family units. Providing for a nurturing atmosphere, with emotional development and care being paramount.
• The goal ultimately to place the children in forever adoptive families, after the possibility to keep them with family in country is exhausted.
• We will utilize HIV+ widows and HIV+ young women, to care for the children, giving them housing, education and medical care.
• Every child shall be paired with Christian family/person in U.S. to advocate and pray and ACT until the child is placed in FOREVER family. (Families In the Gap, FIGS…)

FAITH MONTESSORI SCHOOLING
• Hands on learning, crosses language barriers. Originated for underprivileged children.
• Encourages self-learning and teaching .
• Train women to be certified Montessori teachers and contribute to the village and community.
• Excellent and easy to replicate materials and manipulatives. Sturdy and easy to clean and maintain.
• Stimulating and fresh atmosphere full of HOPE and KNOWLEDGE.

SELF-SUSTAINING VILLAGE
• 6 fresh springs
• Clean river
• Acres for agriculture, chickens, cows and sheep
• Bee keeping
• Potential for income and industry Career and skill training
• Building materials, for bricks etc. on site. Adequate soil compounds.

MEDICAL CLINIC
• Specialized clinic within the compound to treat and monitor HIV and related infections.
• Available to community to sustain first goal of maintaining original family units.
• Consistent health care in a community that otherwise has none.
• Aid to prevent passing HIV to unborn by infected mothers, providing means necessary with medication and baby formula to reduce the chance of transmission.

NEW HOPE CHURCH and RELATIONSHIP CENTER
• Community outreach respectful and loving to the culture…. living JESUS through love and care of the most vulnerable people in the world today.
• FOCUS on THE PURE AND FAULTLESS RELIGION in all facets and seeing it through from beginning to end. Teaching relationship with the LIVING GOD that SEES them KNOWS them and LOVES them. THE TRUE GRACE MESSAGE…. No…really…THE TRUTH OF THE GRACE MESSAGE.
• Reducing stigma through the actions of the church, through caring for HIV + orphans and widows without ceasing.
• Church building and worship center, community center.
• Feeding program
• Sponsorship disbursement
• Integration and HIV education
• Skill and career training
• HEALING….HEALING….HEALING and a little more HEALING. Through recognizing the VALUE of ONE at a time.

EDUCATING, ENCOURAGING and ENABLING families adopting children with HIV/AIDS. EXPANDING: Creating villages to fulfill His intentions for the orphans and widows, the lonely and the desolate.
"A FATHER to the FATHERLESS and protector of widows is God in His holy dwelling.God places the lonely IN FAMILIES and gives the desolate A HOME in which to dwell;" Ps 68:5-6 Any questions?

!!!!!!!

2009-07-22T10:36:00.003-07:00

We were submitted!!!! WOOHOO!!!! Thanks so much for the prayers!

Now we wait for an appointment date. It may take a week or two to get our appointment date - hoping that it is soon! We could be traveling as soon as mid-August!

I am relieved. This has been quite a ride but it won't be long now before I get to hold my little guy in my arms. I am SO ready for that day!!!

if at first you don't succeed...

2009-07-21T10:29:00.004-07:00

Tomorrow is the day - our third attempt to submit our documents to the governing authority in Zhenya's country. Would you please pray with us that everything is accepted this time and that we will get a quick travel date? We are so ready to have our little guy home with us!!!

yep. that about sums it up people.

2009-07-17T10:55:00.005-07:00

“It seems rather odd to let people in with a health problem like that,” said John Vinson, president of the American Immigration Control Foundation based in Monterey, Va. “With HIV and the way it’s spread, people have desires and they’ll act on those desires and spread it to other people. Why bring on a problem on yourself when you don’t have to?”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31910664/ns/health-aids/

That statement makes me want to twist this dude's ears off.

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

The U.S. is FINALLY seriously talking about reversing a ridiculously discriminatory policy that prevents people with HIV from coming into the U.S. This policy has put up huge roadblocks and financial hardships for families adopting HIV+ kids internationally. These kids are treated as immigrants. Or mistreated more like.

This is something worth fighting for. Your voice can make a difference.

Go to Carolyn's blog to find out what you can do to end this discrimination against innocent children. This is a call to action!

Faith Fridays. get out of my head Francis.

2009-07-16T08:56:00.009-07:00

I am a big fan of Francis Chan. I listen to messages from several different churches each week. Somehow, it's always Francis that jolts me out of my seat. You know that moment when you really have to deep down question what you are doing for God??

Yesterday, I had one of those moments. God used some pretty incredible timing,too. I've had a week filled with thoughts and questions about church expansion, buildings, sacred and untouchable rituals, money money money, volunteers - or lack thereof...

Francis talked about two different occasions that he had missionaries knock on his door. He asked them in and had a dialogue with them about their beliefs and how they came to those conclusions from the Bible. It was respectful but, of course, some of these beliefs are extra-biblical - added to the knowledge of the Bible from another source.

Francis talked about how this experience brought him to question some of the beliefs of his own church. Where did we come up with the idea that coming to a building for an hour or so once a week, facing forward and not really interacting with other people, singing songs and hearing a message was worshipping God? Can we back up this practice with scripture? Is this what the CHURCH was meant to be about?

All week, I have been having this inner struggle and then yesterday I listened to this message and God brought a few of my questions into sharp focus. Many more questions surfaced as well. And not too many answers. I love my church - we are able to do some amazing things in our community and around the world because of our size. I spent many years at a very small church and I know those struggles. Being honest, the smaller churches aren't necessarily getting this right either.

COMMUNITY - it keeps coming back to this. The early church gathered together because they really needed each other. They faced persecution - out there - and they had to stick together to accomplish their goals. What were their goals? TELLING OTHERS about the GRACE and LOVE of JESUS. They supported and loved each other. They had a sense of urgency to get the word out.

Church was not, and is not, about MY time with God. Church is about coming together as a community of like-minded individuals with a common goal. Our mission is to help each other and to help others. If we are CHRIST-FOLLOWERS, then we should be going somewhere. Doing something. HELPING SOMEONE. Action verbs.

Last night, I was contacted by yet another mom who is considering adopting an HIV+ child. I get a couple of emails each month from families that are considering taking up this challenge. I am thrilled every time. What I love about this mom in particular is that she is only home a few months since her last adoption! Ready to go again - realizing the HUGE need - and saying, OK God, send me!

So, as I'm writing her back, I realize - here is a COMMUNITY. People who love God and love each other and are reaching out - despite the hardship and persecution - to help these children. This is about LOVE. This feels like CHURCH.

[You can find Francis Chan's messages HERE. The one that I refer to in this post was from April 5, 2009 and is titled Gospel Conference Part 5]

2009-07-14T09:12:00.003-07:00

Sweet Amy wrote a beautiful post this morning - go check it out:

How much do you matter?

some days you just need a little comic relief.

2009-07-10T08:53:00.004-07:00

For years I tried to get my family to cooperate with me for pictures. They hated it. We haven't sent a family photo Christmas card since they were little - I can never seem to capture everyone in one place at one time. Finally, I just gave up and started taking pictures of flowers and plants. I have tons of those. Maybe someday I'll make a nice nature calendar out of them.

What I have discovered is that, while they all hate posing for formal pics, they all seem to love to have their goofiness captured for all time. Now I just go with it.

pool fun.

2009-07-09T10:46:00.001-07:00

yes, you can.

2009-07-08T15:07:00.003-07:00

It's hotter than blazes here - whatever that means - and it's going to be even hotter this weekend.

On a lighter note, we are sending our redone documents over to our facilitator this afternoon. Please pray with us that they will arrive safely and in plenty of time for our next try at submission on July 22nd. While your at it, please also pray that we have a SUCCESSFUL submission and a QUICK travel date. Thanks!

this family really cannot sing.

2009-07-06T11:19:00.001-07:00

2009-07-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

nothing says love like poop cake.

2009-07-05T11:31:00.004-07:00

Casey wanted to make a cake for Austin's birthday. How sweet, I thought. I should have known better...

birthday shingles.

2009-07-05T11:16:00.004-07:00

Why do I have to wear this if the problem is on my face???

Ask me if I am surprised that we spent Austin's 18th birthday at the hospital. Um, no.

He woke up on Friday morning complaining that the left side of his face felt like he'd been hit by a 2x4. His lymph nodes were swollen and there was a bad acne-like rash on the left side of his forehead. Our doctor was closed for the holiday weekend so we called the nurse hotline for our insurance. She felt that the symptoms weren't worthy of a trip to the ER so we decided to give him some ibuprofen and wait til Monday.

Saturday morning his face looked much worse - everything more swollen, red and inflamed. Obviously this couldn't wait so we were going to the hospital.

It only took a few minutes for the doctor to diagnose shingles. He's got a pretty bad case and it is dangerously close to his left eye. We have to take him to an eye specialist in a few days for a followup to be sure that his eye hasn't been affected. He's on antibiotics, steroids and Percocet.

After the second dose of Percocet he was beginning to feel a bit better.

Poor baby. Happy 18th. At least he hasn't lost his sense of humor. He commented, "hey, for my 21st birthday they'll probably say: congrats Austin! You've been diagnosed with leprosy!"

Hilarious.

eighteen.

2009-07-04T08:00:00.001-07:00

How did this happen? My baby is 18.

Happy Birthday, Austin. You are amazing and I am blessed to be your mom. Thank you for bringing so much JOY into our home.

we're three big boys.

2009-07-03T17:04:00.005-07:00

Cody had a great time playing with the cousins and they were so sweet with him. I asked them to sit on the couch for a picture and Cody kept looking up at Spencer and Tyler saying, "We're three big boys!" So adorable.

LaRue took the big boys on a field trip to Bass Pro Shop. The highlight of their visit, I'm sure. They came home with lures and stinky fish gel and stuff. Hours of fun casting lures in the swimming pool. Tyler even showed Cody how to cast.

Then there's that wrestling thing I was talking about. At least they are both smiling!

Faith Fridays. submission.

2009-07-03T11:28:00.004-07:00

What is it with boys and wrestling? It seems that anytime two or more males meet up in the family room, wrestling ensues. Dominance and submission seem to be a recurring theme. Austin and his buddies are constantly doing battle. The other day Austin and his friend Mat were in the back yard dueling with plastic bats from the dollar store. They were leaving huge welts on each other - and having a blast doing it. I just don't look, most of the time.

Control and submission. Submission is a bad word in our society. Yet, it is so key to relationships. At work, we have to be able to submit to our boss. We expect our kids to submit to us as parents. We submit to our government.

A few years ago, God really confronted me with this idea of submission. Like a lot of young women, I saw submission as negative and weak. I highly valued Independence. I liked to think that I was in control of my own life. God used a few very key object lessons to teach me that my so-called control was not quite what I thought it was. Really, looking back, I see that a lot of that 'control' was actually 'out of control'.

I have learned that it is very important as a wife to submit to my husband. That statement would have probably sent me into a royal tizzy if someone had said that to my younger self. But, through God's word, I have seen that it is His plan for the husband to lead the family. It was a very difficult lesson - that I am still learning. But, somehow, even before LaRue was fully ready to take it on, God showed me how to back off and be quiet sometimes. I was amazed at how quickly LaRue moved into the role of leadership in our home. It seemed natural - even though he would be the first to tell you that he's not a leader. He is a leader, and a very good one. He makes good decisions.

I understand that my need to be in control was a result of my childhood. It has been so freeing to finally give that up. I fully trust LaRue with my life. That is a big deal. I fully trust that he has my best interests at heart. I'm not in this alone anymore - I can rely on him.

I can rely on God. Finally. It took me years to get over my feelings of betrayal. Why did God let me suffer so much? Why didn't He rescue me? Now I can see things more clearly. I know now that God works everything to His Glory. My difficulties as a child have prepared me to love children that are broken and damaged. I don't fear them - I understand them. I know them.

I am living a life of submission. It feels wonderful. I don't care if it is unpopular - I want to be a wife that submits to my husband. I want to live a life that is fully submitted to God.

Does this make me weak? I don't think so. To tell the truth, I feel stronger than ever.

the great deep fry adventure.

2009-07-02T09:22:00.005-07:00

We had our nephews here for a few days last week and did lots of fun stuff. Last time, we had a Chocolate Covered Twinkie adventure. This time, they had other ideas.

I caved and allowed the boys to plan a big deep fry dinner. Of course, I did all the deep frying- and I have the scars to prove it. We took Tyler and Spencer to the Oriental Supermarket to buy the main ingredients. They were quite impressed! I'm thankful that we have this place - you can find everything there!

They picked out some catfish (already dead, thank you very much) and shrimp. I bought tempura batter and some other goodies that I wanted to save for after the boys go home. Kids just don't fully appreciate things like paneer and edamame LOL

The meal, if you can call it that, consisted of deep fried catfish, shrimp, pineapple, pickles and Twinkies. Since we didn't want fishy Twinkies, I cooked all of this in reverse order and we ate each item right as it came out of the fryer. We actually had a backward dinner.

The verdict? I do not like Twinkies - at all. But, I love donuts. I discovered that deep fried Twinkies actually taste like donuts. I liked them very much! In fact, I could have made a meal of just Twinkies. The pickles were tasty and the catfish and shrimp were good, too. The pineapple - not so great. All in all it was good but we all felt kind of sick afterward. Go figure!!

Here is the after picture that the boys posed for - Tyler stuffed a pillow under his shirt for effect:

Oh, and let's don't forget my battle scar from the hot oil splash. I'm just glad that it was me and not the kids. I did, however, remind them several times about my sacrifice on their behalf. They were very sympathetic for the first day or so. They got over it. Cody said "It's beautiful Mimi - it looks like a bird!" I think it looks more like a witch. Hopefully it's not permanent!

fun stuff.

2009-06-30T10:02:00.004-07:00

Christy over at Our Little Sunbeams and Joyful mom at No Greater Joy Mom both gave me this cute blog award.

Thanks bloggy friends!!

Now, since you are supposed to pay this award forward to 15 bloggers, and I got it at the same time from two people, I figure that means that I can award it to 30 blogs!!

There's no possibility that I can list and link 30 blogs so I am just going to break the rules and award it to everyone on my bloggy friend list - check my sidebar!

Congrats everyone! LOL

I'm fine but I think the laptop is dead.

2009-06-28T12:38:00.003-07:00

Again. And it's not looking good. Charlie the computer guru picked it up on Friday and I haven't heard the diagnosis yet. Not a good sign. Charlie always calls me within a day to tell me what's up and how much.

I am stealing a few minutes on Austin's computer to check emails [yikes!!]

I have had some awesome comments and emails lately and I want to respond to some of them when I have my computer back. Thanks for all the support - it has been so uplifting!!

We have our nephews, Spencer and Tyler, here this weekend. Tonight is the big deep-fry adventure. On the menu: catfish bites, shrimp, pineapple, pickles and Twinkies. Yes, they want to deep fry it all. I'll post pictures!!

my girlz.

2009-06-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

Father's Day fun.

2009-06-23T14:22:00.004-07:00

It was so fun that Austin just couldn't take it anymore and crashed right in the middle of the floor!

Kristi and Mama:

Mama, Casey and Kristi reading a book to Cody:

We took a little field trip to the dollar store after church and bought coloring books. We all sat around the kitchen table and colored for quite a while. We are kind of simple people, you know.

Our babies - aren't they beautiful?

not submitted.

2009-06-22T17:49:00.002-07:00

Not this time. There seems to have been some mix-up on the submission date. We are told that we will now be submitting on July 22nd.

We have more documents to redo and Austin is turning 18 on July 4th. We aren't sure what that means yet but most likely we will have to do some additional fingerprints and such, too.

Thanks for all the calls today - yes, I admit, I have been purposely ignoring the phone. Please forgive me! I did spend a couple of hours crying and feeling sorry for myself. I'll be better tomorrow, I promise!!

I KNOW that this is God's plan. It has been His from the beginning. I KNOW that there is a reason for these delays. I can't see it but I KNOW for certain that God is in control and things will become clearer on the other side of this. Notice that I didn't say clear. Just clear-er. And that's ok.

Tomorrow I will get to work on getting the docs we need to redo. It's only one more month. We can do this. We can.

Faith Fridays. Saturday.

2009-06-20T05:26:00.003-07:00

Well, I held off writing my Friday post all day. I was hoping that we would hear something about our submission and I could post Faith Fridays. submitted!!

But we didn't. And I am eerily calm about it.

When we were due to submit on May 18th, I was a nervous wreck all day. I carried the phone around in my back pocket and jumped every time that it vibrated. [I always keep my phone on vibrate. I have a deep aversion to the sound of a ringing phone - but that is another post altogether.] We got the call that day and were told that we were not submitted. I completely fell apart.

This time, I am much calmer. Thursday came and went with no call. Then Friday. I really don't expect to hear anything this weekend. Our case worker says that at this point, no news is good news.

Monday is the 22nd. June 22nd. Exactly one year to the day since I first felt the tug on my heart to adopt. I think that it would be just like God to bring the news of our successful submission on that date, don't you?

In the meantime, I'm nesting big time. Organizing and planning. This week, I have been in the kitchen. I've made granola, banana/peach bread, apricot jam, and frozen various purees to sneak into dishes later on. Last night, I pulled out my grandma's Amy Vanderbilt cookbook (circa 1961) and made short ribs with dumplings. I have never made dumplings before in my life. It was fantastic.

I think that I may have my groove back. I am doing all the things I always wished I had time for. I am at home and loving it. Waiting as patiently as I know how.

I found a new podcast that I am really enjoying. The Village Church in Texas: http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/

I happened to choose a message from last summer given by Afshin Ziafat called Godly Contentment. Perfect timing, of course. He was talking about being content where God has you right now. Even knowing that there is something else on the horizon - this is where I am today and I need to make the most of it. Great lesson for me. I am always kind of pulling at the reins, so to speak. I have been praying for that feeling of contentment, right now.

1 Timothy 6:6
But godliness with contentment is great gain.

God is enough. More than enough.

the before and the after.

2009-06-17T12:48:00.004-07:00

Since I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seats:

Obviously, this is the before.

And the after.

Now, about this blond thing. I tried - really I did. The package said 'dark ash blond' but the color of my hair is 'slightly lighter than before'. Apparently, it takes a little more effort than I thought. I will try again next time.

Besides, I was thinking that this might be a good thing. My hair is really dark in my passport photo. And really long. What I do not need is some immigration official pulling me into a tiny conference room to question me about my passport. Normally, I would see that as a great adventure but on this trip I just want to get in and out with Z as quickly and uneventfully as possible.

We are due to submit tomorrow. Please pray with us that all is fine and we will get a travel date soon. We probably won't hear anything before Monday but I will post as soon as we do.

Oh, and I will take a front view photo soon - I took some with LaRue but he was being such a goofball that I don't want to post the photos and embarrass him. :)

up north.

2009-06-16T08:30:00.003-07:00

LaRue and I made a quick trip up to Flagstaff to see Whitney & Jenny and the kids a couple of weeks ago.

This is the view from their front porch - I know!! So cool. It was rainy and cold the day we came up so this is how the mountain looked the next morning.

Claire and Uncle LaRue:

Cora, all decked out to go play in the rain:

Spencer - I think he was getting ready to hit me.

So, as usual, I didn't get any pics of Whitney or Jenny. Or Bailey :(

I really stink at the photojournalism thing. Tyler was spending the night somewhere else but we did get to see him at church the next morning. I don't get to see these kiddos that often and I always wish that I had more pics of them. I'll have to do better next time with the photos!

Last time they were here visiting we had the great chocolate covered twinkies adventure. Next visit, they want to do some deep frying. Pickles, twinkies, coke. For some reason, this idea really scares me. We'll see.

Bailey turned 15 yesterday - Happy Birthday Bailey!! I wish that I had a picture to put up of you - I'll have to work on that for next year! Love you!!

Faith Fridays. give me a sign.

2009-06-12T09:38:00.005-07:00

God sent Gideon to save Israel from the Midianites. Gideon, naturally, doesn't feel quite up to the task and argues a bit with God - and so God reassures him.

Judges 6:15-16
"But Lord ," Gideon asked, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family." The LORD answered, "I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites together."

God says "I will be with you..." and Gideon - you just gotta love him - responds by asking for a sign. HaHa! This cracks me up. He is talking to the angel of the Lord under an oak tree - but still he wants a sign. At first I am laughing a bit at Gideon but then, well, lets just say I see myself in this passage. A lot.

Judges 6:17-18
Gideon replied, "If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me. Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you." And the LORD said, "I will wait until you return."

I will wait until you return.

Oh man. This is so me. I hear you God - but wait, let me go get some things in order and then I'll come back and honor You and then, well, You can give me a sign so I'll be sure it's really You and then we can get down to business - OK??

Praise God for waiting. He patiently waits while we try to figure things out on our own. I for one am very grateful for that!

Gideon returns with his offering: goat meat, bread and broth. The angel instructs Gideon to place the meat and bread on a rock and pour out the broth, as well. The angel of the Lord touches the meat and bread with the tip of a staff and it all bursts into flame. The bread and meat are consumed and the angel disappears. Can you imagine it?? Gideon finally realizes that it's all for real. He's convinced - for the moment. He builds an altar to the Lord. At God's instruction, he goes that very night and tears down his people's altars to the false gods of Baal and Asherah. He boldly sacrificed a bull on a new altar to the One True God. Gideon was feeling the power! Sort of. He did all of this under the cover of darkness because he was afraid.

Judges 6:27
So Gideon took ten of his servants and did as the LORD told him. But because he was afraid of his family and the men of the town, he did it at night rather than in the daytime.

Don't you take great comfort in knowing that God can still use us, even if we can't fully accept how huge and powerful He is? Surely, if Gideon had just marched out in broad daylight to do God's will he would have been protected. How might the story have been different? I love knowing that even though Gideon did his work for the Lord under the cover of darkness, God was still glorified and went on to use Gideon for even greater things. Of course, Gideon still needed more proof from God before he was ready to save Israel.

Judges 6:36-37
Gideon said to God, "If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised- look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said."

What?? This is the part of the story where - if I am in God's position - I would squish this little human like a bug. Zap! Enough of you little man. But God means business with Gideon. He has a plan.

Sure enough, the next morning, God had given the sign that Gideon had asked for. So, convinced of God's plan for him, Gideon marched off to defeat the Midianites.

Not exactly.

Judges 6:39-40
Then Gideon said to God, "Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece. This time make the fleece dry and the ground covered with dew." That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry; all the ground was covered with dew.

God did so. There must be another word in heaven for the kind of love and patience that God has for us. Our human words seem really inadequate. God knew that Gideon needed those signs and He lovingly and patiently gave them. Even when we are trying to play out some lame power struggle with God, He loves us enough to give us what we need to take the next step.

Gideon knew when to stop, it seems. Finally, he was convinced. He owned the Power of God and saved Israel - with only 300 men! God put him through more tests of faith, but Gideon had the faith to keep moving forward with the Plan. Gideon was used by God to His Glory. Amen.

time for a change.

2009-06-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

Brown. I love brown. and tan. and khaki. I'm just a brown kind of girl. My hair is brown, my house is brown, my wardrobe is brown. My blog is brown.

I went to Old Navy the other day to buy two pair of flip flops - 2 for $5. From a wall of color I selected - tan and brown. Yep.

As I sit here writing this, I am wearing a brown tank top, brown Capri's and my new brown flip flops. Monochromatic brown. I think it suits me.

But...maybe it is time for a change. I have that restless feeling and I want to try something new. Today I am going to cut my hair. Really cut it, like to my shoulders. 6 or 8 inches cut it. AND, wait for it, tomorrow I am going to color it: BLOND! HaHa! I haven't been blond for several years - which tells you how old my profile pic is. Hmmm. Maybe it's time for a new picture, too.

I'm going to look for a new blog background that's a bit more cheerful. Little baby steps to expanding my color horizons.

I'm keeping the brown house and wardrobe, though. Let's don't be ridiculous.

thank you.

2009-06-10T10:46:00.003-07:00

I wanted to say thanks for the beautiful and loving comments that were left on my Faith Friday post last week. Blogging is a weird thing - I know some of you in real life, others only through this 'blogosphere'. Of course, I love my real-life friends and I am amazed at how much I care about women that I've never met. I read your blogs and I cry and cheer with you through your struggles and triumphs. I feel like my circle of friends has expanded greatly and I am blessed beyond measure.

I have gone to my knees when your children were sick. I've laughed out loud at your incredible wit. Tons of advice, from adoption to parenting to cooking, has been shared with me through your blogs. I have been humbled by your depth of wisdom and faith in our God. You share your lives with me. You make me feel safe when I choose to be vulnerable.

Thank you for being there, my real-life and bloggy friends.

Graduation. rain rain rain.

2009-06-08T15:17:00.004-07:00

I finally downloaded my pictures from the past couple of months. Here are some from Austin's graduation on May 21st. Rained for three solid hours. Not a 'normal' graduation for us. I have attended many where the temperature was well over 100 degrees. Not really sure if I prefer the rain to that. At least it was better than last year where it rained and was freezing cold. Thank goodness we did not have a graduate last year! LOL - sorry Mary!

Austin's buddy Mat, giving him a lift (check out the wet pants!):

The only family picture that we got for this momentous occasion:

I don't think that we'll be framing this one.

Killing time in the stands - check out all the umbrellas!

Faith Fridays. identify me.

2009-06-05T09:44:00.002-07:00

One of the most surprising things that I have been wrestling with lately is how I define myself. Not working. It still seems so weird to me. Did I really find my worth in bringing home a paycheck? Do I feel less worthy as a stay-at-home mom? People seem to be constantly asking me what I'm doing these days. I find that I take a defensive position right off the bat and try to remember as many things as I can to spit out at them - convincing the asker, and myself, of how busy I am. I always feel a little bit inadequate with the list of my day's activities.

Last night, just out of the blue, Casey told me that we have one of the most consistently clean houses that she knows of. It caught me off guard and I immediately began to dispute this with her. She stood her ground though, and I found that I felt somewhat comforted by her assertion. OK, so score one for me, I keep a clean house. Now I can keep a clean house. Not at all the case when I was working. My house was really gross - I mean gross - when I was working full time. This is good. A clean house is good. It benefits the family.

One of the things that has been really bugging me lately is my weight. I feel shameful even writing about this. I realized that I have identified myself as a thin person for most of my life. It was vitally important to my self-image that I remain thin. I took pride in the fact that I was often the thinnest person in the room. I zipped past thirty without gaining a pound. Even forty came and went and still I was in control of my weight. Over the past five years though, I have gained twenty unexplainable pounds. My face is hot with embarrassment and tears are welling up in my eyes. Why is this so important to me? What standard am I judging myself against? I am healthy and strong. I haven't been really sick in a couple of years. Why is it so important for me to identify myself as thin?

I know that being thin set me apart. I realize that being set apart is important to me. I want to stand out, be different. I want the -est. To be the thinnest. Keep the cleanest house. Be the b-est. Ugh.

I must redefine myself. I am a beloved child of God. Only He can make me feel worthy. He gives me the BEST of everything. I cannot attain it for myself.

So, for this season, God has placed me at home. I pull at the reins, wanting to race ahead to the future. He gently pulls me back. I have more to learn in this time of waiting. I want to be a good student. My future depends on it.

lovin' life.

2009-06-03T12:07:00.003-07:00

Delays. More paperwork to do. I had been praying for my prayer life to improve. When will I ever learn?? LOL

Things are on hold until the 18th. In the meantime, I am really busy being at home. I want to savor this time to myself since I do realize that it is all about to come to a screeching halt. Although this time of waiting feels like an eternity right now, I know that a year from now I will be remembering it with great fondness!

I have just finished my latest bible study - Beth Moore's John the Beloved Disciple. Hard as I try to diversify and look to other teachers, I always end up coming back to Beth. It has been an amazing study and I will miss it.

I've also been listening to a lot of Francis Chan podcasts. This guy is great. He is all about living courageously and not listening to the people who tell you that you are crazy or irresponsible for going after Christ with all your might. I am encouraged and excited by his messages.

We have decided to homeschool for the first year, at least. If things go well, we'd like to homeschool all the way through. I've been researching some curriculum options. I cannot believe how many choices there are! Twelve years ago when I took Kristi out of school, I went down to the district 'dead book' warehouse and bought some out-of-date textbooks to get us started. Poor Kris! She had to be the guinea pig for everything around here - the curse of being the oldest. I think that I've zeroed in on My Father's World for kindergarten. I like the format and it seems pretty simple to follow. If anyone has feedback on that do let me know.

Organizing and cleaning. Cleaning and organizing. I think we might call this nesting. It feels wonderful. And I can't wait for this time to be over.

the graduate.

2009-05-21T14:03:00.005-07:00

Yep, our little boy is graduating tonight. My friend Sheri took his Sr. pics and she did an awesome job capturing Austin's adventurous, fun side. I highly recommend Sheri as a photographer if you live here in AZ - check out her website: Sheri Lynn Photography

Congratulations Austin! You are an amazing young man and we are so incredibly proud of you. It is a privilege to be your mom and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for your life! I love you.